It was worth the wait

lost my virginity to Billy Wai - 27th November 2017

should I wait or leave?

should I drop him or wait for him?

to be honest since our third date I have been asking myself whether I should just drop Juin. When he was with me it felt like his mind wasn't. Why am I doing this to myself? Other people seem to find guys that truly love them whilst it always seems like a one sided love.

Every time I want to drop Juin and delete everything I just can't bring myself to do so because I miss him. I don't know how this is going to go because I have never dated before, I don't know how to play this game. Scared Im going to get hurt again, I rather pull out early than fall in too deep.

How well do I even know you ? I don't even know ? Sometimes I wish I never met you.

Shouldn't I have someone who truly loves me and respects me. Can I take a pill and forget u ....

what should I do ? should I just let you go you don't even care about me. why is life so hard....

Darling you haven't realised how loved you are

So I met someone new Juin Yang. This has really helped me get over Alex Wong. Even when I see the name Alex appear I don't feel the way I did in comparison to a couple of months ago. I still remember the warm feeling I felt talking on the phone to Pris about Juin when I was waiting for my train. His passion and talent really attracted me to him. Honestly, I felt I was finally able to escape this anxiety void I was trapped in for so long. How during watching IT he held my held when I was scared. Came close when we were talking and made me feel secure in his presence.

Last night was our second date. I went over to his place. We watched a movie and chilled. We  eventually got closer and closer. I felt really secure when I rested my head on his shoulder. As if the word was mine again. I don't ever want to forget this feeling. Last time I felt this way was last summer with Will. When we cuddled at the back of the coach. He played me my favourite song 'faded' and 'Little happiness' on the piano.

We had a really deep conversation when we were in bed together. To the point we really opened our hearts and he ... said some things I didn't really want to hear. It really shattered my heart and made me feel a bit used. As I was in his embrace and it sounded as if he was using my body. We were close together and he had his eyes closed. I said 'Juin look at me' and kissed him. I really wanted to because thats how I felt about him. Even though I fall for someone quick, thats because I always know what I want and what I don't want, always clear about it regardless.

What he told me about not looking for a relationship and not currently fancying any girls, made me feel really used after what we just did. Despite him saying he didn't want me to feel that way, since I am a girl I do have emotions. At that moment I pushed him away and got dressed to go back to Epsom. I just felt like the world fell apart. I went from feeling like I owned the world back to borderline anxiety.

Im glad after we got dressed we had another chat which brightened the mood, he reassured me that we will be really good friends and that he would always be there for me when I need him. Then hugged me. which made me stop crying. But as I wanted to, on the train home I had tears roll down my face. I really wanted to and needed to cry it out. It wasn't until Adam called me and I couldn't control myself and bawled on the phone. I am forever grateful to have Adam and Saffy in my life as without them I think I would have done something stupid to myself. They really cheered myself up and stopped me falling in a depression hole. Juin kept messaging me asking if I was ok and called me. But I really didn't feel like talking. I wanted him to miss me and want me.

The next morning I replied to his text, we had a chat. It gave me hope which I am happy about but at the same time I don't want false hope. But at least I know for sure Juin will always be there for me when I need him. That reassurance makes me secure and loved again. 'I really appreciate you'. After showing Adam the text, he told me ' give it time'. So from a boy's point of view guess thats what I have to remember.

Fresh start

So today Alex boarded a plane for Hong Kong. After hearing about this news I was shocked and very upset, the feeling of loneliness overcame me. Even during work the next day I could not contain my emotions and his name kept entering my thoughts. I felt very lost.. again.  Soon after I was in denial about this as there was no other confirmation concerning this until today.

When I saw he posted on snapchat he was boarding a plane at T5 I knew it was true, even writing on Facebook he doesn't know when he will be back. The reality soon hit. It came true but I had to accept the reality. Trying hard not to be upset but instead take this as an opportunity for a fresh start.

A fresh start to meet someone I deserve, the right person at the right time. To my suprise instead of feeling trapped like when I heard about this news I felt... free. Free from thinking about him all the time how miserable I felt for the past 6 months. I was finally free... a breath of fresh air.

He will always be the first boy who made me cry and in a nightmare for 6 months. I think its best for both our interests he is not in the UK anymore as this will defiantly cut him out my life for good.

New middle parting to mark the new start ? :D

slowly fading out of my life

Recently Alex no longer looks at my snapchat stories. The last connection I had with him seems to be fading but not by my choice. For a long time snapchat was my way of reminding myself of him, but every since he didn't post a story for months and no a days he doesn't even look at my story I feel even the last way of seeing him name appear on my phone seems to be gone. Even though I previously stated I am over him and don't have anymore feelings. But its been nearly 6 months and I still think about him everyday. Whenever I post a snapchat story it was my own secret way of wondering when he would look at my story. Thinking he still cared about me. My own way of avoiding the reality of everything.

Even fate is not on our side. May 29th an opportunity to see him at Kevin's BBQ but is the day I land in Hong Kong. For months my wish was to see Alex again. But even the sky doesn't think this is a good idea. Alex and I crossing paths back in September was a mistake because it only brought me pain and sadness. But I can't seem to forget you. No matter how hard I try. Maybe its because you were never mine and the one thing I couldn't get. I gave myself hope for months, a morphine to numb how I felt. Making myself feel unloved which resulted in more pain than I could handle. Even though I could mask in in front of other people I can't lie to myself.

I still have feelings for Alex but when I think of you, its not happy memories. Your image is fading from my mind but the emotion is still living. I don't like you I hate you because I feel like I'm dying inside. The sadness is eating me alive. I wanted to forget you but I simply cannot. But there is nothing I can do because I know for a fact you don't feel the same way about me.

Being in Hong Kong next week doesn't exactly help me forget about you.

I need to keep on moving on with my life but I can't help myself to stop and think about you. Wondering if I would see you when I turned a corner.

These 6 months have been really tiring I really need a holiday without you in my thoughts.

Still missing you at night

These days I can't get you out of my head. When you came up in my whatsapps, my heart filled with curiosity. Desperate not to get too exited in my head with the fear of losing the moment. Even though I know it is impossible but I really want to see you once more. I don't know if this is the best way because it will make me miss you even more. These past four months haven't been the easiest for me. During the day when I'm busy the anxiety isn't as bad, but at night when its just me my heart fills with   worry and loneliness. I don't know what to do. I need someone to guide me out of this dark tunnel. Someone to reassure me when times get tough. 

I admit the only reason Im going to Cheeky Wednesday tomorrow is because I want to relive the moment back from October and have a chance to see you again. Is this too much to ask for is this fate saying the time between Alex and I is over. Will fate bring me to meet someone new but then again am I ready because I am not over Alex. Im scared to fall in love again as you lose when you are serious. 

I don't know what to do, Im lost again and i feel insecure. 

when life gets tough

So I finally decided to write this post after reading a few of my other friend's blogs, coincidently they were going through the same/ similar situation as me. These friends were from secondary school who I have just kept in touch with through Facebook. It was on the topic of 'Mental health'.  To be honest I really don't know how to summarise everything that has happened to me these past few months, because its something I never expected to have to ever go through in life. Before university I never worried about ever falling into some sort of mental health issue due to the fact I was extremely lucky to have grew up in a really supportive and positive family.

To be more specific in terms of what has happened recently is, during first year of university I began to socialise and meet more people outside of my usual social circle. Of course when you meet people, sometimes romance does roll into the friendships. Long story short so I met someone end of October but it ended really badly by December. It was something that was not in my control because it was actually one of my close friends ( friend A)  that caused it. Even though I forgave friend A  I still limit what I tell her especially when its information very personal to me. What friend A did, resulted in that guy to stop talking to me. I felt very embarrassed, hurt and insecure after all the drama happened.  I remember calling literally all of my other friends crying on the phone asking for advice on what I should do because I was simply petrified of the fact I would lose him even as a friend. I still regret confessing how I felt because it was the most scariest thing I have ever done in my life. Also, it made me feel really exposed and insecure.

Even though it may seem like normal friendship drama that everyone goes through, it really took a toll on me. It stressed me out to the point where for a very long time I felt very negative and low about my life. I started to doubt myself. Due to the fact I suffered with mild/severe acne since I was 11 years old, it resulted me in having body image problems. It got so serious to the point when one morning I woke up hyperventilating and feeling very nauseous, because I kept repeating everything that happened in my mind. All the emotions and thoughts kept replaying constantly. I built up the courage to see the uni councillor. Due to the fact I having been secretly feeling very low since end of summer 2016 till December. The drama that happened didn't exactly help me my situation. Worried and unsure whether I may have depression. Even though one of best friends who I told everything to told me it didn't seem like I have depression, for some reason I just constantly felt very low and upset.  In front of my friends and family I was easily able to mask my true emotions but at night when I am alone working in my room I was not able to get rid of these negative feelings. After talking to the councillor she just told me I have high levels of stress and anxiety. I regret not taking the recovery sessions simply because I stupidly thought I was fine when I realise now I am not, also I thought other people needed the sessions with the councillor more than I do because they are going through something much worse.

The assessment deadline I had after Christmas really made me come to terms with the fact I am not as healthy as I think I am mentally. The lack of sleep and stress of the assessment got to me so badly to the point I kept breaking into tears for a whole month. I even broke into tears in font of my lecturers during the assessment feedback. It was so embarrassing and the entire year knew about it. I think I was also partly crying because I missed him and regret all the drama that happened between him and I. I still feel sorry for having to getting him involved in something he didn't need to be a part of.

As well as my mental health all of this took a toll of my general health. I started dieting because I gained some weight because of the herbal medicine I was taking for poor blood circulation. I wasn't satisfied with how I looked. I simply thought I was not good enough. All this resulted me in not having enough blood and constantly felt lightheaded and faint.

It wasn't until my birthday, my amazing best friends made me a birthday video with all my friends sending wishing me happy birthday and telling me they love and miss me. As cliche as it sounds for months I felt so unloved, but after watching that video it made me feel so much better about myself. I am eternally grateful to be blessed and surrounded by amazing friends who love me for me.

To be honest up to this day I still have my low days but in comparison to how I felt back in January, I feel a lot more happier. What really annoyed when I was going through the bad stages of all this, was when people said I lived a 'perfect' life, you have no idea the amount of stress and drama I have been through. Even the councillor said to me she would hate to be in my position in all that drama.

I don't know if I will ever post this, simplify because I don't know if I am ready for people to know about something so personal to me nor do I want people to think I am writing this to gain attention because the one thing I hate the most is attention on myself. If this posts does help someone realise how common mental health issues are then its worth it, because it wasn't after I read some of my friends from secondary school's posts it made me realise how common it was. Due to the fact I would have never guessed they would fall into depression because they are some of the most happiest people I know and I went to school with them for 7 years. Even though the subject of depression is brought up, I don't know how to label the technical term of what I am going though because I have not had the courage to have myself examined. At first I thought all these thoughts would fade over time but its been a little over half a year.

Maybe I'm posting this because I want someone to tell me what is going on with myself.

i miss you unintentionally

its been four months and I still can't seem to forget you. I still eagerly wait for you look at my snapchat story as this is the only way I can have some form of interaction with you. After weeks of not looking at my story it felt you shut up even the last way of communication. Recently, you were back online and I felt a sign of relieve that I was able to see an update.

I don't know how I feel these days, I miss you so bad I don't know if it is because I haven't experience new love. Even though I want to experience love again, I also fear these series of events will happen again. Im scared. Im lonely. Home has will always be my escape but when times get busy. I have to use uni work as my shelter. A way of making myself busy but this leads to stress. All I want is the opportunity to see you just once more. Is that too much to ask ? Or is this even the right way to address my emotions. or Maybe its better I don't see you as that might make me miss you even more.

Fate

Reading about Fate online and reflecting on the people i have met these past few months since September. Maybe it was fate Alex and I met, how I clearly remember how we met and my first impression. If I didn't go to Hatfield back in sept I wouldn't have met him. I remember I sold my Beyoncé ticket thinking it was not worth it but turned out it was. Maybe it was fate we crossed paths but maybe it was fate it not be in each other's lives anymore. I just want to see u once more maybe it will change things, but I can't stop missing u because I haven't met anyone better yet. Maybe fate has yet to come for me to meet someone else.

13.02.2017 I am ready !

I finally have the courage to be able to delete all the photos of Alex and I. I do not love him anymore. I am over him. I finally overcame my feelings for him. I can say for definite I am ready to meet someone new and accept a new relationship with someone who will treat me with respect and love me for who I am. New day New me.

Stay positive and keeping smiling Sammy.

Spring Day

Please tell me this is all a lie...

So tonight I was in the kitchen with my housemate Kirstie and I told her everything thats been happening for the past few months, in particular to Alex and his response. Even she said it probably he has another girl in his life. When a third person says this I think its true. Thats why after that day after ice skating he stopped talking to me is because he has found another girl. I previously thought it was just an excuse and it was all a lie but now looking at it its probably true. My heart is aching again but as painful as it is for me to admit it I think its time to move on....

Its especially hard when all your friends around you are all in love and have boyfriends. Can someone please tell me all this is just a lie and I can go back to being happy and not thinking about anyone.

I still miss you I'm sorry

It been a month since we had any contact, I regret not cherishing the days we were really good friends and talked everyday online. Re- reading our chat messages and thinking how happy i was during that time.

Now,  I feel lost, unloved, insecure. I really want to see you again but in the nearby future there doesn't seem like there is a chance I will. I regularly check snapchat, Instagram and Facebook to see if you update your profile. If I could I really wish I could travel back in time and meet you again. Let you see a better impression of me, become closer to you. Back when I first met you, you did not have my heart nowadays you are the only one I think of. Did you ever feel this way how too. Where did I stand in your life after we became closer after that night of Halloween.

Please don't be so harsh with me, why do you have to stop all contact with me. Everyday I really hope a message will appear on my phone from you. Whenever wherever you are.

When will I find true love, when will I stop falling in so quickly. Always waiting for you to look at my snapchat story.

Infant of my friends I seem to have this mask on with a smile pretending my life full of happiness. In reality, at night when I am alone in my room. The mask is removed and my true emotions are reflected. The image of already moved on from Alex and continuing with my life, an appearance of not thinking about him anymore, but every time his name comes up part of my heart gradually breaks as I think about the time we were close. Is there really another girl in his life, is she prettier than me, she is smarter than me. Is she better than me.

Whats wrong with me. 

Am I not good enough. 

Am I not pretty enough. 

Am I good enough for you.....

Was it really my fault 

what did I do wrong 

As I look in the mirror, what do i see , how do i feel 

Do I like this image of myself 

Is this the Sammy Tang I know or how I am viewed by others 

Every time the same sequence of events happens when I meet someone. When will my Knight in shining armour appear! 

Can't seem to forget you ...

So I have been putting off writing this diary post for a while now since I am not ready to admit the reality of what happened. After getting the courage to confess my feelings to Alex, he replies saying he really respects girls who confess but he only thinks of me as a sister and has feelings for someone else. He is the first boy who I have ever cried for. Even with William and Philip I could barely even get a tear out. This past month have I stopped thinking about him ... i can't. Even though I know I shouldn't think about him anymore and move on but .....When people ask me about him, a part of my heart just dies because I can't tell them the full truth and I only say the fairytale part of the story. When Giselle came over for dinner and was talking about Charlie. I really wanted that to me introducing my boyfriend to my parents and having dinner together. Being able to go on double dates with my friends who have boyfriends. This is love. A game I chose to play and lost. The feeling of wanting to text him but you know you can't.

Would I feel better if I just gave up ....?

So yesterday the long awaited day of going ice skating finally came. I still felt very anxious and nervous on the journey there as I did not know what to expect. I had the most amazing night with my friends, and made lots of very funny memories. I was at first bit disappointed and upset because I felt as thought he was dodging me a bit at times, but despite this I still had lots of fun with my own friends. He did help me up every time I fell on the ice which was quite sweet. Throughout the night my friends kept pushing me and telling me to walk with him and make conversation. I felt so shy and honestly didn't know what to do. The highlight of last night must be when he joined my friends and I for dinner at a Japanese restaurant. I was so happy it was just the four of us and not joined by his other friends, eisthwise there won't be any opportunity to have a good conversation with him. Things I thought would happen did not, maybe because his friends were there so it would be awkward if he was close with me.

So long story short, I currently feel as though Im back to square 1 of missing him again. Since I rarely get the opportunity to see him and so much has happened in-between Halloween night and last night. So in conclusion I feel as though especially from his point of view and as painful as it is for to admit I feel as though he only wants to be friends. I don't sense any motivation to take this relationship further than friends. In my mind I overhype the reality of situations and even as i am typing this I don't know what to say. I want to stay happy but whenever I think of him .....i wish i could !

Would i feel emotionally better if I just try to forget him but the more I try the more I miss him. He's just such a nice guy so thats why I fell for him. Such a simple reason but has such a large impact on me. He's done nothing that hurt me but the vibe I can feel is he only thinks of me as a friend.

Just friends or something else ?

So last week Alex texted me and invited me to an ice skating event on 7th December. I was so happy and excited because it has been a month since I have seen him and it felt as though he is in a way 'asking me out'. But as the days come nearer,  Ive become more insecure as in what to expect on Wednesday. Since that day will in some ways label how our friendship really is. Over the past few days friends have been asking me what Alex and I talk about, as this would in some ways judge if there is a spark in our relationship. Truthfully, even though we have a impressive streak on snapchat of 10 days +, also we have been communicating everyday for the past month. But there hasn't been a very deep conversation, it probably because Ive only seen him twice and known him only for a few months therefore the friendship isn't very deep, in comparison to if I went to Uni with him. For the past few days I have just been telling myself not to expect anything and to not get my hopes up. Honestly, I just don't want to be disappointed since I rarely get the opportunity to see him. Scared, Worried, Fearful etc are words I would describe how I feel right now. Even talking about it to my friends worry me as I'm worried I will jinx everything. Also, the amount I have due in next week has been helping to keep my mind off things but a relationship has been something I have wanted for a while now and its not been smooth sailing in terms of my love life. Being an only child has resulted in growing up alone in some terms. Even though I have my forever loving parents and friends with me, there have been times when I really wanted to talk to or have the company of a sibling. Therefore when the opportunity for me to meet new people aka boys, I guess this was my chance to fill the void of having someone who love and cares for me, someone always there for me.

After a storm there is always a rainbow !

So its deadline month again, November! Every week it seems there is some form of deadline waiting to meet me, with the monster deadline awaiting defeat at the final days of the month. Last weekend was so much fun and really helped to relieve some of the stress. On Saturday, my friends and I went up to London to do fabric research and sightseeing. Travelling around my favourite area in London, Soho. Also, we stopped over in Shoreditch to see a exhibition by Lazy Oaf. Afterwards, we walked past a food market and found my favourite Hong Kong egg rolls. I've heard about this stall on Instagram and I finally got the chance to try it. I immediately sent a photo to Alex :D ! It felt so good to have it again since the last time I had egg rolls was in Summer. Then Pris and I took the tube to Leicester Square and went to China Town. Like sisters, we hung out and explored the area. Drinking Cream Green Tea and admiring the night view down Regent's street. My favourite area to look at the night lights is definitely Piccadilly Circus. The iconic image of London. The city buildings glow in the dark. As Christmas is fast approaching it makes the atmosphere very joyful.

Sunday was work day for me. Stress and drowning in the amount of work that needed completing for my tutorial Monday morning. The tutorial went very well, since I was the only one who turned up I was able to get my tutor's full attention. Afterwards, I called home since its been a while since Ive spoken to Mum. It was relaxing to here wise words from mum and share a conversation. What really brightened my day was, after my tutorial I posted on snapchat the fact I had not slept. Soon after I get a snap from Alex. Brief conversation but it was his initiative to talk to me was what made me very happy, since I thought chances with him were slim since he declined his invite to Hannah's party since he had Uni both days :( ! It feels really warm to talk to someone who comes from the same background as you as you can share the same language and culture. Today was a very happy day, very rewarding. Allowing me to recharge and carry on working hard for the future deadlines. Recently, I've been really into Dean's songs. It's a mixture of soft RnB and rap. Very soothing and good for getting me in the mood; whether its to work and chilling.

Quote of the post: After a storm there is always a rainbow. Just because today was a bad day doesn't mean tomorrow will be too. Smile and stay Positive Sammy  ! :D

爱情成功但是失败 😭

已经第二日，他都冇再text 我😭。是不是又矢败，我真是希望不是，因为我真是發觉我喜欢他。不是有好感觉是真心喜欢他。是不是他最近好忙？他之是当我是朋友？但是…
好想每天见到他，每天好miss 他😭

Haven't even tried yet and has it already failed... I don't want to rush and screw up again! The feeling is different this time so I want to cherish this and not lose you. I now know for sure what I want and how I want it. If the saying 'u have to lose some to gain some' is true then I've failed many times and want to succeed this time!

Wish me luck 💪🏻 加油啊鄧曉嵐！

I fell in love with the ghostboy - Robotaki 🎧

Could he be the one ?

On October 26th, I went to Hatfield, Hertfordshire for a Halloween party. Feeling excited but very nervous I took a train by myself this time which took 2 hours. After I got out the Uber and arrived at Alex's house, I felt extremely scared. Scared it was going to be another bad night, I would get upset and insecure about my surroundings. I called my best friend for a bit but had to cut the call when Alex opened the door. Normally when I feel this way, its quite opposite to how the night turns out. His housemates were so funny and welcoming when I came in.

So pre drinks started and we played ring of fire. The atmosphere was loud and fun. The best part was really the flat party, where nearly everyone was BBC Hong kong Chinese. So it really felt at home because we could all speak cantonese. Seeing familiar faces from last time I went to UOH freshers and meeting new ones. I finally got to meet Nicole who everyone says we look alike. To be honest its only our lower face structure thats the same. We all starting getting a bit drunk and playing drinking games before we headed out to Forum. On the way there, Alex and I were fairly tipsy because we were talking so much crap. The funniest part is when he told me his flatmate Jeffrey fancied me, I found this very flattering but unfortunately he is not my type; he also reminds me bit of Thomas. Must be the naive personalty :D ! In Forum, the group split up, I stuck with Kevin and his group and went upstairs to the "attic". Alex was downstairs, apparently he got very drunk and was in the toilet for half an hour.

At around 12 to 1, I went with Cherry and Nicole to go dance until we saw Alex on the verge of passing out and very drunk in the open space with Jess, who was helping him. The bouncers saw him and kicked him out, since i was staying at his house that night so I followed to make sure he was ok. Since I couldn't carry Alex home by myself, Jess noticed and helped me. Each carrying his shoulder, we eventually got him home. During that hour, he thew up about twice and we had to keep sitting down since he was so heavy. What scared me the most was that he kept shivering and hyperventilating really badly. If Jess wasn't with me, I would defiantly not know what to do. I kept thinking was he having a panic attack or an asthma attack! Throughout the way home, I just held onto him and comforting him. There was a point where two bouncers came up and asked how is he? jess replied yeah he just broke up with his girlfriend, which I found really funny. He was fairly conscious of what was happening after he threw up the first time. Even though my feet were aching really badly, we finally got him home and into bed. He passed out immediately.

During the night, I slept beside him making sure he was ok. His condition was fine until he woke up. We chatted in bed, mainly asking what happened and I filled in the gaps. Then he started throwing up continuously, hyperventilating and feeling really cold. It got too a point where I got up to get him some warm water hoping it would help. Eventually he asked me to google 'How to treat Alcohol poisoning'. At this point I knew it was getting serious and a potential trip to the hospital was needed. He just kept telling me he was short of breath and his face felt numb. At around 9am, we called 111 ( NHS) and other medical centres. Before the paramedics came, he was still shaking so I sat next to him and I put my arm around his shoulder to calm him down. The paramedic came to his house and treated him. Checking his blood pressure and alcohol level. His housemates were surprisingly calm and found it funny. All the drama ended before 10am. We both went back to sleep since we were both so tired. After he threw up once more, he felt fine. My eyes were shut but I was awake. I heard him talking to his housemates and he kept saying Jess and Sammy saved my life! aww sweet time <3 He kept trying to rewind what happened last night, funny stuff came out and shocking stories were told. It felt really warm to sleep next to someone again. Alex is such a gentlemen, even though we were sleeping next to each other, not once did he try to touch me unlike William and Philip who took advantage of this. The same morning, he said I could stay as long as I wanted, and even missing a lecture for this. His housemate Jeffrey came in and saw us two sleeping in the same bed. I think he got really jealous because he didn't make eye contact with me. When he brought in a cup of water, I asked oh wheres mine. He replied you two can both share it. I don't know why I found that funny. After getting ready, I asked do you want to grab lunch, he said yes! I was secretly like YES! He offered to cook me won ton mean! I was like double yes ! Something about guys and cooking , triple YES! We eventually ate Pancakes and Nutella, sweetness in heart <3. We stood in the kitchen and talked and talked. Found out a lot about each other. I left at 2pm since he had quite a few deadlines and work to do.

Overall it was a really funny night, most importantly I made memories with Alex. Truthfully, he is really my type. He's funny, outgoing, handsome, tall, cute and really sweet. Not to mention a real gentlemen, and also he's from Hong Kong as well bbc ! Yes the bbc jokes especially the HK ones <:D Hopefully he could be the one, because I really hope he his. I just feel really comfortable and safe with him. That feeling when I'm shy but at the same time I really want to around him. Even this morning when I woke up, he was the first person I though of. How good it would be to get a message from him. He texted me the same night of the previous day, 27th to thank me for taking care of him. The only downside is he's in Hertfordshire and I'm in Surrey, different universities and 2 hours away by train. Even though our homes aren't that far away. Also, since he is in third year, he sounds really busy with his uni work which is understandable. I mean if its meant to be, its definitely meant to be! I really like him and hopefully he does or eventually feel the same way. Really praying he's the one because I just feel really happy when Im with him. Throughout today I couldn't stop smiling when I daydreamed about him. That warm happy feeling! Thinking about what it would be like if we were dating. Would I get a boyfriend before Christmas or my 20th birthday? Fourth time a charm in 2016? Does he think of me like I do of him ? Is he looking to be in a relationship? Does he like me? Questions like this run through my head. One thing is for sure, to not mess-up this time I'm going to take it really slow, and not confessing my feelings so early. Establishing a good base before moving up a level in the relationship. I really want to bring a boy home where I can introduce as my boyfriend. Alex is defiantly the one but he has to like me as well. As I always say, everything in my life is perfect except my love life. The one thing I can't control because it is down to fate. Just hoping talking about it doesn't jinx it. Next time I see him will most likely be a night out in Christmas, if i can get it to be just us two again or maybe he can come down to Surrey.

life update 15th Oct 2016

So I wanted to write this blog post because for once in these few weeks I've had time to sit down and have some time to myself. Normally on a Friday night I would travel back to my parents home in London and spent my weekend with them. This weekend was slightly different, also night all my housemates were either working or out clubbing, so the house was very quiet. I partied for two nights straight two nights ago; therefore I decided Friday night was time for some personal relaxation at home. During this time, I reflected upon my new life at uni up until now and how I've evolved from my life at UCA last year when I was doing a Foundation. Firstly, I'm so much happier emotionally and physically. Ever since June 2016 my life has practically been perfect, well apart from the Romance and love side which is forever in shambles. I couldn't have wished for a happier me. You could say I feel like Blair Wardolf from Gossip Girl, expect I don't have a Chuck Bass waiting to sweep me off my feet. Instead I have a P who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and is someone I can't seem to get out my head. 

In one of my many confident moments in life at 12am at night, I confessed my feelings to P and hoped for the best. Not knowing what to expect I get a reply a few minutes after saying he's sorry he made me feel this way and he wasn't looking to be in a relationship. He wanted to stay friends and see where that takes us..... So I kept the conversation lighthearted and casual so I replied yeah sure. I didn't know what to expect from the reply. He isn't my ideal type of boyfriend, but maybe because I slept with him and we kissed I somehow developed feelings for him. I've kissed guys before but William and Phillip will always somehow be the ones I have feelings for. Even though I don't think about Alfred and William anymore. Well, we haven't spoken since and its been just over a week so I guess its not happening. I can barely remember what he looks like in person because he looks so much better in person than on camera. Why do most guys never smile on camera? 

Well this post wasn't really supposed to be aimed at whats happening in my love life, even though that seems to always be prioritised. I've realised how lucky my life is, being able to be privately educated since nursery and having countless private tutors. Despite when i was a child/ young teenager I hated how busy by life was. After school I would be whisked away to private tutor sessions for English and Maths, Piano lessons on Friday followed by science tutors afterwards. Then private tennis and swimming lessons on the weeks, and during the week at school. Not to mention the Tennis matches during the summer and swimming matches in the winter. All these steps in life have built me to become the person I am today. A much more confident, beautiful, risk taker and successful person. This is something I will defiantly install in my next generation. 

Let's also rewind to Thursday night, when I met my best friend for a night out. She is the person who introduced me to this group of friends. Whilst we were talking, I got a bit tipsy from the Vanilla Vokda and somehow poured my heart out about P. Telling her how hard it was to get over him and asking questions about how many girls he has slept with. Which apparently was none, which surprised me. That night P and I slept together was his first and he was sober. Which leads me to question Why me? why did he chose me to be his first one night stand girl? Was it because I was drunk? If he slept me we whats there to say he wouldn't do it with some other girl. P likes very Korean looking girls and I personally don't think I do look this particular style but my friend thinks otherwise. Im not your standard beautiful fit body looking asian girl, so why me Phillip? Why did you kiss me? Was it just in the heat of the moment or was it something else? Guess I will never know... now I need to stop thinking about you...and move on with my life! 

Protecting me or pushing me away ?

After that house party, therefore another party in Uni of Hertfordshire, P was going to be there therefore my friends and I attended. On the train I had a gut feeling that it was either going to be another best night or worst one ever. At the start, P didn't really acknowledge me, same at the flat party when I say he was with a group of pretty asian girls; jealousy overcame me and I tried looking away. Then at the house party, he ignored me and kept his distance. This really made me feel frustrated, wanting to get drunk but since I was really cold I kept sobering up. At the end of the night, my friends were relatively drunk and we were waiting to uber home. My friends got in a uber and i was waiting outside with another friend. Not knowing what to do since my friends had left, P immediacy called me a Uber and said i can't stay here. At the time I didn't understand what he meant, did he want me to leave so he could get with other girls. If he could get in bed with me whats stopping him doing the same that night with other girls. As I was waiting for my uber, one of the girls who was really slutty and had a VERY low cut top, walked out and started walking down the road. P chased after her, and disappeared round the corner. After I got in my uber, it also turned the corner. I saw that girl was very drunk and kept swaying as she walked and P was grabbing onto her arm. Again jealousy overcame me and my first instinct was ' he is defiantly getting with her or that Sita girl'. Vowing I would never come to Hertfordshire again or see him again.

A few days later, I realised P called me a Uber and told me I can't stay there was because his group of friends are quite rowdy and I was not safe for me to stay at the house party. I also found out he didn't sleep with any girls. Apparently he is really picky with his girls? Last night he went to party in Herts again, he posted a video on insta showing he was sleeping in a room with his mates, was this his way saying he wasn't sleeping with any girls, after he slept with me ? What does this mean ?