So I finally decided to write this post after reading a few of my other friend's blogs, coincidently they were going through the same/ similar situation as me. These friends were from secondary school who I have just kept in touch with through Facebook. It was on the topic of 'Mental health'. To be honest I really don't know how to summarise everything that has happened to me these past few months, because its something I never expected to have to ever go through in life. Before university I never worried about ever falling into some sort of mental health issue due to the fact I was extremely lucky to have grew up in a really supportive and positive family.
To be more specific in terms of what has happened recently is, during first year of university I began to socialise and meet more people outside of my usual social circle. Of course when you meet people, sometimes romance does roll into the friendships. Long story short so I met someone end of October but it ended really badly by December. It was something that was not in my control because it was actually one of my close friends ( friend A) that caused it. Even though I forgave friend A I still limit what I tell her especially when its information very personal to me. What friend A did, resulted in that guy to stop talking to me. I felt very embarrassed, hurt and insecure after all the drama happened. I remember calling literally all of my other friends crying on the phone asking for advice on what I should do because I was simply petrified of the fact I would lose him even as a friend. I still regret confessing how I felt because it was the most scariest thing I have ever done in my life. Also, it made me feel really exposed and insecure.
Even though it may seem like normal friendship drama that everyone goes through, it really took a toll on me. It stressed me out to the point where for a very long time I felt very negative and low about my life. I started to doubt myself. Due to the fact I suffered with mild/severe acne since I was 11 years old, it resulted me in having body image problems. It got so serious to the point when one morning I woke up hyperventilating and feeling very nauseous, because I kept repeating everything that happened in my mind. All the emotions and thoughts kept replaying constantly. I built up the courage to see the uni councillor. Due to the fact I having been secretly feeling very low since end of summer 2016 till December. The drama that happened didn't exactly help me my situation. Worried and unsure whether I may have depression. Even though one of best friends who I told everything to told me it didn't seem like I have depression, for some reason I just constantly felt very low and upset. In front of my friends and family I was easily able to mask my true emotions but at night when I am alone working in my room I was not able to get rid of these negative feelings. After talking to the councillor she just told me I have high levels of stress and anxiety. I regret not taking the recovery sessions simply because I stupidly thought I was fine when I realise now I am not, also I thought other people needed the sessions with the councillor more than I do because they are going through something much worse.
The assessment deadline I had after Christmas really made me come to terms with the fact I am not as healthy as I think I am mentally. The lack of sleep and stress of the assessment got to me so badly to the point I kept breaking into tears for a whole month. I even broke into tears in font of my lecturers during the assessment feedback. It was so embarrassing and the entire year knew about it. I think I was also partly crying because I missed him and regret all the drama that happened between him and I. I still feel sorry for having to getting him involved in something he didn't need to be a part of.
As well as my mental health all of this took a toll of my general health. I started dieting because I gained some weight because of the herbal medicine I was taking for poor blood circulation. I wasn't satisfied with how I looked. I simply thought I was not good enough. All this resulted me in not having enough blood and constantly felt lightheaded and faint.
It wasn't until my birthday, my amazing best friends made me a birthday video with all my friends sending wishing me happy birthday and telling me they love and miss me. As cliche as it sounds for months I felt so unloved, but after watching that video it made me feel so much better about myself. I am eternally grateful to be blessed and surrounded by amazing friends who love me for me.
To be honest up to this day I still have my low days but in comparison to how I felt back in January, I feel a lot more happier. What really annoyed when I was going through the bad stages of all this, was when people said I lived a 'perfect' life, you have no idea the amount of stress and drama I have been through. Even the councillor said to me she would hate to be in my position in all that drama.
I don't know if I will ever post this, simplify because I don't know if I am ready for people to know about something so personal to me nor do I want people to think I am writing this to gain attention because the one thing I hate the most is attention on myself. If this posts does help someone realise how common mental health issues are then its worth it, because it wasn't after I read some of my friends from secondary school's posts it made me realise how common it was. Due to the fact I would have never guessed they would fall into depression because they are some of the most happiest people I know and I went to school with them for 7 years. Even though the subject of depression is brought up, I don't know how to label the technical term of what I am going though because I have not had the courage to have myself examined. At first I thought all these thoughts would fade over time but its been a little over half a year.
Maybe I'm posting this because I want someone to tell me what is going on with myself.
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