Recently Alex no longer looks at my snapchat stories. The last connection I had with him seems to be fading but not by my choice. For a long time snapchat was my way of reminding myself of him, but every since he didn't post a story for months and no a days he doesn't even look at my story I feel even the last way of seeing him name appear on my phone seems to be gone. Even though I previously stated I am over him and don't have anymore feelings. But its been nearly 6 months and I still think about him everyday. Whenever I post a snapchat story it was my own secret way of wondering when he would look at my story. Thinking he still cared about me. My own way of avoiding the reality of everything.
Even fate is not on our side. May 29th an opportunity to see him at Kevin's BBQ but is the day I land in Hong Kong. For months my wish was to see Alex again. But even the sky doesn't think this is a good idea. Alex and I crossing paths back in September was a mistake because it only brought me pain and sadness. But I can't seem to forget you. No matter how hard I try. Maybe its because you were never mine and the one thing I couldn't get. I gave myself hope for months, a morphine to numb how I felt. Making myself feel unloved which resulted in more pain than I could handle. Even though I could mask in in front of other people I can't lie to myself.
I still have feelings for Alex but when I think of you, its not happy memories. Your image is fading from my mind but the emotion is still living. I don't like you I hate you because I feel like I'm dying inside. The sadness is eating me alive. I wanted to forget you but I simply cannot. But there is nothing I can do because I know for a fact you don't feel the same way about me.
Being in Hong Kong next week doesn't exactly help me forget about you.
I need to keep on moving on with my life but I can't help myself to stop and think about you. Wondering if I would see you when I turned a corner.
These 6 months have been really tiring I really need a holiday without you in my thoughts.
Wednesday, 24 May 2017
Tuesday, 25 April 2017
Still missing you at night
These days I can't get you out of my head. When you came up in my whatsapps, my heart filled with curiosity. Desperate not to get too exited in my head with the fear of losing the moment. Even though I know it is impossible but I really want to see you once more. I don't know if this is the best way because it will make me miss you even more. These past four months haven't been the easiest for me. During the day when I'm busy the anxiety isn't as bad, but at night when its just me my heart fills with worry and loneliness. I don't know what to do. I need someone to guide me out of this dark tunnel. Someone to reassure me when times get tough.
I admit the only reason Im going to Cheeky Wednesday tomorrow is because I want to relive the moment back from October and have a chance to see you again. Is this too much to ask for is this fate saying the time between Alex and I is over. Will fate bring me to meet someone new but then again am I ready because I am not over Alex. Im scared to fall in love again as you lose when you are serious.
I don't know what to do, Im lost again and i feel insecure.
Saturday, 8 April 2017
when life gets tough
So I finally decided to write this post after reading a few of my other friend's blogs, coincidently they were going through the same/ similar situation as me. These friends were from secondary school who I have just kept in touch with through Facebook. It was on the topic of 'Mental health'. To be honest I really don't know how to summarise everything that has happened to me these past few months, because its something I never expected to have to ever go through in life. Before university I never worried about ever falling into some sort of mental health issue due to the fact I was extremely lucky to have grew up in a really supportive and positive family.
To be more specific in terms of what has happened recently is, during first year of university I began to socialise and meet more people outside of my usual social circle. Of course when you meet people, sometimes romance does roll into the friendships. Long story short so I met someone end of October but it ended really badly by December. It was something that was not in my control because it was actually one of my close friends ( friend A) that caused it. Even though I forgave friend A I still limit what I tell her especially when its information very personal to me. What friend A did, resulted in that guy to stop talking to me. I felt very embarrassed, hurt and insecure after all the drama happened. I remember calling literally all of my other friends crying on the phone asking for advice on what I should do because I was simply petrified of the fact I would lose him even as a friend. I still regret confessing how I felt because it was the most scariest thing I have ever done in my life. Also, it made me feel really exposed and insecure.
Even though it may seem like normal friendship drama that everyone goes through, it really took a toll on me. It stressed me out to the point where for a very long time I felt very negative and low about my life. I started to doubt myself. Due to the fact I suffered with mild/severe acne since I was 11 years old, it resulted me in having body image problems. It got so serious to the point when one morning I woke up hyperventilating and feeling very nauseous, because I kept repeating everything that happened in my mind. All the emotions and thoughts kept replaying constantly. I built up the courage to see the uni councillor. Due to the fact I having been secretly feeling very low since end of summer 2016 till December. The drama that happened didn't exactly help me my situation. Worried and unsure whether I may have depression. Even though one of best friends who I told everything to told me it didn't seem like I have depression, for some reason I just constantly felt very low and upset. In front of my friends and family I was easily able to mask my true emotions but at night when I am alone working in my room I was not able to get rid of these negative feelings. After talking to the councillor she just told me I have high levels of stress and anxiety. I regret not taking the recovery sessions simply because I stupidly thought I was fine when I realise now I am not, also I thought other people needed the sessions with the councillor more than I do because they are going through something much worse.
The assessment deadline I had after Christmas really made me come to terms with the fact I am not as healthy as I think I am mentally. The lack of sleep and stress of the assessment got to me so badly to the point I kept breaking into tears for a whole month. I even broke into tears in font of my lecturers during the assessment feedback. It was so embarrassing and the entire year knew about it. I think I was also partly crying because I missed him and regret all the drama that happened between him and I. I still feel sorry for having to getting him involved in something he didn't need to be a part of.
As well as my mental health all of this took a toll of my general health. I started dieting because I gained some weight because of the herbal medicine I was taking for poor blood circulation. I wasn't satisfied with how I looked. I simply thought I was not good enough. All this resulted me in not having enough blood and constantly felt lightheaded and faint.
It wasn't until my birthday, my amazing best friends made me a birthday video with all my friends sending wishing me happy birthday and telling me they love and miss me. As cliche as it sounds for months I felt so unloved, but after watching that video it made me feel so much better about myself. I am eternally grateful to be blessed and surrounded by amazing friends who love me for me.
To be honest up to this day I still have my low days but in comparison to how I felt back in January, I feel a lot more happier. What really annoyed when I was going through the bad stages of all this, was when people said I lived a 'perfect' life, you have no idea the amount of stress and drama I have been through. Even the councillor said to me she would hate to be in my position in all that drama.
I don't know if I will ever post this, simplify because I don't know if I am ready for people to know about something so personal to me nor do I want people to think I am writing this to gain attention because the one thing I hate the most is attention on myself. If this posts does help someone realise how common mental health issues are then its worth it, because it wasn't after I read some of my friends from secondary school's posts it made me realise how common it was. Due to the fact I would have never guessed they would fall into depression because they are some of the most happiest people I know and I went to school with them for 7 years. Even though the subject of depression is brought up, I don't know how to label the technical term of what I am going though because I have not had the courage to have myself examined. At first I thought all these thoughts would fade over time but its been a little over half a year.
Maybe I'm posting this because I want someone to tell me what is going on with myself.
To be more specific in terms of what has happened recently is, during first year of university I began to socialise and meet more people outside of my usual social circle. Of course when you meet people, sometimes romance does roll into the friendships. Long story short so I met someone end of October but it ended really badly by December. It was something that was not in my control because it was actually one of my close friends ( friend A) that caused it. Even though I forgave friend A I still limit what I tell her especially when its information very personal to me. What friend A did, resulted in that guy to stop talking to me. I felt very embarrassed, hurt and insecure after all the drama happened. I remember calling literally all of my other friends crying on the phone asking for advice on what I should do because I was simply petrified of the fact I would lose him even as a friend. I still regret confessing how I felt because it was the most scariest thing I have ever done in my life. Also, it made me feel really exposed and insecure.
Even though it may seem like normal friendship drama that everyone goes through, it really took a toll on me. It stressed me out to the point where for a very long time I felt very negative and low about my life. I started to doubt myself. Due to the fact I suffered with mild/severe acne since I was 11 years old, it resulted me in having body image problems. It got so serious to the point when one morning I woke up hyperventilating and feeling very nauseous, because I kept repeating everything that happened in my mind. All the emotions and thoughts kept replaying constantly. I built up the courage to see the uni councillor. Due to the fact I having been secretly feeling very low since end of summer 2016 till December. The drama that happened didn't exactly help me my situation. Worried and unsure whether I may have depression. Even though one of best friends who I told everything to told me it didn't seem like I have depression, for some reason I just constantly felt very low and upset. In front of my friends and family I was easily able to mask my true emotions but at night when I am alone working in my room I was not able to get rid of these negative feelings. After talking to the councillor she just told me I have high levels of stress and anxiety. I regret not taking the recovery sessions simply because I stupidly thought I was fine when I realise now I am not, also I thought other people needed the sessions with the councillor more than I do because they are going through something much worse.
The assessment deadline I had after Christmas really made me come to terms with the fact I am not as healthy as I think I am mentally. The lack of sleep and stress of the assessment got to me so badly to the point I kept breaking into tears for a whole month. I even broke into tears in font of my lecturers during the assessment feedback. It was so embarrassing and the entire year knew about it. I think I was also partly crying because I missed him and regret all the drama that happened between him and I. I still feel sorry for having to getting him involved in something he didn't need to be a part of.
As well as my mental health all of this took a toll of my general health. I started dieting because I gained some weight because of the herbal medicine I was taking for poor blood circulation. I wasn't satisfied with how I looked. I simply thought I was not good enough. All this resulted me in not having enough blood and constantly felt lightheaded and faint.
It wasn't until my birthday, my amazing best friends made me a birthday video with all my friends sending wishing me happy birthday and telling me they love and miss me. As cliche as it sounds for months I felt so unloved, but after watching that video it made me feel so much better about myself. I am eternally grateful to be blessed and surrounded by amazing friends who love me for me.
To be honest up to this day I still have my low days but in comparison to how I felt back in January, I feel a lot more happier. What really annoyed when I was going through the bad stages of all this, was when people said I lived a 'perfect' life, you have no idea the amount of stress and drama I have been through. Even the councillor said to me she would hate to be in my position in all that drama.
I don't know if I will ever post this, simplify because I don't know if I am ready for people to know about something so personal to me nor do I want people to think I am writing this to gain attention because the one thing I hate the most is attention on myself. If this posts does help someone realise how common mental health issues are then its worth it, because it wasn't after I read some of my friends from secondary school's posts it made me realise how common it was. Due to the fact I would have never guessed they would fall into depression because they are some of the most happiest people I know and I went to school with them for 7 years. Even though the subject of depression is brought up, I don't know how to label the technical term of what I am going though because I have not had the courage to have myself examined. At first I thought all these thoughts would fade over time but its been a little over half a year.
Maybe I'm posting this because I want someone to tell me what is going on with myself.
Wednesday, 15 March 2017
i miss you unintentionally
its been four months and I still can't seem to forget you. I still eagerly wait for you look at my snapchat story as this is the only way I can have some form of interaction with you. After weeks of not looking at my story it felt you shut up even the last way of communication. Recently, you were back online and I felt a sign of relieve that I was able to see an update.
I don't know how I feel these days, I miss you so bad I don't know if it is because I haven't experience new love. Even though I want to experience love again, I also fear these series of events will happen again. Im scared. Im lonely. Home has will always be my escape but when times get busy. I have to use uni work as my shelter. A way of making myself busy but this leads to stress. All I want is the opportunity to see you just once more. Is that too much to ask ? Or is this even the right way to address my emotions. or Maybe its better I don't see you as that might make me miss you even more.
I don't know how I feel these days, I miss you so bad I don't know if it is because I haven't experience new love. Even though I want to experience love again, I also fear these series of events will happen again. Im scared. Im lonely. Home has will always be my escape but when times get busy. I have to use uni work as my shelter. A way of making myself busy but this leads to stress. All I want is the opportunity to see you just once more. Is that too much to ask ? Or is this even the right way to address my emotions. or Maybe its better I don't see you as that might make me miss you even more.
Saturday, 11 March 2017
Fate
Reading about Fate online and reflecting on the people i have met these past few months since September. Maybe it was fate Alex and I met, how I clearly remember how we met and my first impression. If I didn't go to Hatfield back in sept I wouldn't have met him. I remember I sold my Beyoncé ticket thinking it was not worth it but turned out it was. Maybe it was fate we crossed paths but maybe it was fate it not be in each other's lives anymore. I just want to see u once more maybe it will change things, but I can't stop missing u because I haven't met anyone better yet. Maybe fate has yet to come for me to meet someone else.
Sunday, 12 February 2017
13.02.2017 I am ready !
I finally have the courage to be able to delete all the photos of Alex and I. I do not love him anymore. I am over him. I finally overcame my feelings for him. I can say for definite I am ready to meet someone new and accept a new relationship with someone who will treat me with respect and love me for who I am. New day New me.
Stay positive and keeping smiling Sammy.
Spring Day
Stay positive and keeping smiling Sammy.
Spring Day
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
Please tell me this is all a lie...
So tonight I was in the kitchen with my housemate Kirstie and I told her everything thats been happening for the past few months, in particular to Alex and his response. Even she said it probably he has another girl in his life. When a third person says this I think its true. Thats why after that day after ice skating he stopped talking to me is because he has found another girl. I previously thought it was just an excuse and it was all a lie but now looking at it its probably true. My heart is aching again but as painful as it is for me to admit it I think its time to move on....
Its especially hard when all your friends around you are all in love and have boyfriends. Can someone please tell me all this is just a lie and I can go back to being happy and not thinking about anyone.
Its especially hard when all your friends around you are all in love and have boyfriends. Can someone please tell me all this is just a lie and I can go back to being happy and not thinking about anyone.
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