I still miss you I'm sorry

It been a month since we had any contact, I regret not cherishing the days we were really good friends and talked everyday online. Re- reading our chat messages and thinking how happy i was during that time.

Now,  I feel lost, unloved, insecure. I really want to see you again but in the nearby future there doesn't seem like there is a chance I will. I regularly check snapchat, Instagram and Facebook to see if you update your profile. If I could I really wish I could travel back in time and meet you again. Let you see a better impression of me, become closer to you. Back when I first met you, you did not have my heart nowadays you are the only one I think of. Did you ever feel this way how too. Where did I stand in your life after we became closer after that night of Halloween.

Please don't be so harsh with me, why do you have to stop all contact with me. Everyday I really hope a message will appear on my phone from you. Whenever wherever you are.

When will I find true love, when will I stop falling in so quickly. Always waiting for you to look at my snapchat story.

Infant of my friends I seem to have this mask on with a smile pretending my life full of happiness. In reality, at night when I am alone in my room. The mask is removed and my true emotions are reflected. The image of already moved on from Alex and continuing with my life, an appearance of not thinking about him anymore, but every time his name comes up part of my heart gradually breaks as I think about the time we were close. Is there really another girl in his life, is she prettier than me, she is smarter than me. Is she better than me.

Whats wrong with me. 

Am I not good enough. 

Am I not pretty enough. 

Am I good enough for you.....

Was it really my fault 

what did I do wrong 

As I look in the mirror, what do i see , how do i feel 

Do I like this image of myself 

Is this the Sammy Tang I know or how I am viewed by others 

Every time the same sequence of events happens when I meet someone. When will my Knight in shining armour appear! 

Can't seem to forget you ...

So I have been putting off writing this diary post for a while now since I am not ready to admit the reality of what happened. After getting the courage to confess my feelings to Alex, he replies saying he really respects girls who confess but he only thinks of me as a sister and has feelings for someone else. He is the first boy who I have ever cried for. Even with William and Philip I could barely even get a tear out. This past month have I stopped thinking about him ... i can't. Even though I know I shouldn't think about him anymore and move on but .....When people ask me about him, a part of my heart just dies because I can't tell them the full truth and I only say the fairytale part of the story. When Giselle came over for dinner and was talking about Charlie. I really wanted that to me introducing my boyfriend to my parents and having dinner together. Being able to go on double dates with my friends who have boyfriends. This is love. A game I chose to play and lost. The feeling of wanting to text him but you know you can't.

Would I feel better if I just gave up ....?

So yesterday the long awaited day of going ice skating finally came. I still felt very anxious and nervous on the journey there as I did not know what to expect. I had the most amazing night with my friends, and made lots of very funny memories. I was at first bit disappointed and upset because I felt as thought he was dodging me a bit at times, but despite this I still had lots of fun with my own friends. He did help me up every time I fell on the ice which was quite sweet. Throughout the night my friends kept pushing me and telling me to walk with him and make conversation. I felt so shy and honestly didn't know what to do. The highlight of last night must be when he joined my friends and I for dinner at a Japanese restaurant. I was so happy it was just the four of us and not joined by his other friends, eisthwise there won't be any opportunity to have a good conversation with him. Things I thought would happen did not, maybe because his friends were there so it would be awkward if he was close with me.

So long story short, I currently feel as though Im back to square 1 of missing him again. Since I rarely get the opportunity to see him and so much has happened in-between Halloween night and last night. So in conclusion I feel as though especially from his point of view and as painful as it is for to admit I feel as though he only wants to be friends. I don't sense any motivation to take this relationship further than friends. In my mind I overhype the reality of situations and even as i am typing this I don't know what to say. I want to stay happy but whenever I think of him .....i wish i could !

Would i feel emotionally better if I just try to forget him but the more I try the more I miss him. He's just such a nice guy so thats why I fell for him. Such a simple reason but has such a large impact on me. He's done nothing that hurt me but the vibe I can feel is he only thinks of me as a friend.

Just friends or something else ?

So last week Alex texted me and invited me to an ice skating event on 7th December. I was so happy and excited because it has been a month since I have seen him and it felt as though he is in a way 'asking me out'. But as the days come nearer,  Ive become more insecure as in what to expect on Wednesday. Since that day will in some ways label how our friendship really is. Over the past few days friends have been asking me what Alex and I talk about, as this would in some ways judge if there is a spark in our relationship. Truthfully, even though we have a impressive streak on snapchat of 10 days +, also we have been communicating everyday for the past month. But there hasn't been a very deep conversation, it probably because Ive only seen him twice and known him only for a few months therefore the friendship isn't very deep, in comparison to if I went to Uni with him. For the past few days I have just been telling myself not to expect anything and to not get my hopes up. Honestly, I just don't want to be disappointed since I rarely get the opportunity to see him. Scared, Worried, Fearful etc are words I would describe how I feel right now. Even talking about it to my friends worry me as I'm worried I will jinx everything. Also, the amount I have due in next week has been helping to keep my mind off things but a relationship has been something I have wanted for a while now and its not been smooth sailing in terms of my love life. Being an only child has resulted in growing up alone in some terms. Even though I have my forever loving parents and friends with me, there have been times when I really wanted to talk to or have the company of a sibling. Therefore when the opportunity for me to meet new people aka boys, I guess this was my chance to fill the void of having someone who love and cares for me, someone always there for me.

After a storm there is always a rainbow !

So its deadline month again, November! Every week it seems there is some form of deadline waiting to meet me, with the monster deadline awaiting defeat at the final days of the month. Last weekend was so much fun and really helped to relieve some of the stress. On Saturday, my friends and I went up to London to do fabric research and sightseeing. Travelling around my favourite area in London, Soho. Also, we stopped over in Shoreditch to see a exhibition by Lazy Oaf. Afterwards, we walked past a food market and found my favourite Hong Kong egg rolls. I've heard about this stall on Instagram and I finally got the chance to try it. I immediately sent a photo to Alex :D ! It felt so good to have it again since the last time I had egg rolls was in Summer. Then Pris and I took the tube to Leicester Square and went to China Town. Like sisters, we hung out and explored the area. Drinking Cream Green Tea and admiring the night view down Regent's street. My favourite area to look at the night lights is definitely Piccadilly Circus. The iconic image of London. The city buildings glow in the dark. As Christmas is fast approaching it makes the atmosphere very joyful.

Sunday was work day for me. Stress and drowning in the amount of work that needed completing for my tutorial Monday morning. The tutorial went very well, since I was the only one who turned up I was able to get my tutor's full attention. Afterwards, I called home since its been a while since Ive spoken to Mum. It was relaxing to here wise words from mum and share a conversation. What really brightened my day was, after my tutorial I posted on snapchat the fact I had not slept. Soon after I get a snap from Alex. Brief conversation but it was his initiative to talk to me was what made me very happy, since I thought chances with him were slim since he declined his invite to Hannah's party since he had Uni both days :( ! It feels really warm to talk to someone who comes from the same background as you as you can share the same language and culture. Today was a very happy day, very rewarding. Allowing me to recharge and carry on working hard for the future deadlines. Recently, I've been really into Dean's songs. It's a mixture of soft RnB and rap. Very soothing and good for getting me in the mood; whether its to work and chilling.

Quote of the post: After a storm there is always a rainbow. Just because today was a bad day doesn't mean tomorrow will be too. Smile and stay Positive Sammy  ! :D

爱情成功但是失败 😭

已经第二日，他都冇再text 我😭。是不是又矢败，我真是希望不是，因为我真是發觉我喜欢他。不是有好感觉是真心喜欢他。是不是他最近好忙？他之是当我是朋友？但是…
好想每天见到他，每天好miss 他😭

Haven't even tried yet and has it already failed... I don't want to rush and screw up again! The feeling is different this time so I want to cherish this and not lose you. I now know for sure what I want and how I want it. If the saying 'u have to lose some to gain some' is true then I've failed many times and want to succeed this time!

Wish me luck 💪🏻 加油啊鄧曉嵐！

I fell in love with the ghostboy - Robotaki 🎧

Could he be the one ?

On October 26th, I went to Hatfield, Hertfordshire for a Halloween party. Feeling excited but very nervous I took a train by myself this time which took 2 hours. After I got out the Uber and arrived at Alex's house, I felt extremely scared. Scared it was going to be another bad night, I would get upset and insecure about my surroundings. I called my best friend for a bit but had to cut the call when Alex opened the door. Normally when I feel this way, its quite opposite to how the night turns out. His housemates were so funny and welcoming when I came in.

So pre drinks started and we played ring of fire. The atmosphere was loud and fun. The best part was really the flat party, where nearly everyone was BBC Hong kong Chinese. So it really felt at home because we could all speak cantonese. Seeing familiar faces from last time I went to UOH freshers and meeting new ones. I finally got to meet Nicole who everyone says we look alike. To be honest its only our lower face structure thats the same. We all starting getting a bit drunk and playing drinking games before we headed out to Forum. On the way there, Alex and I were fairly tipsy because we were talking so much crap. The funniest part is when he told me his flatmate Jeffrey fancied me, I found this very flattering but unfortunately he is not my type; he also reminds me bit of Thomas. Must be the naive personalty :D ! In Forum, the group split up, I stuck with Kevin and his group and went upstairs to the "attic". Alex was downstairs, apparently he got very drunk and was in the toilet for half an hour.

At around 12 to 1, I went with Cherry and Nicole to go dance until we saw Alex on the verge of passing out and very drunk in the open space with Jess, who was helping him. The bouncers saw him and kicked him out, since i was staying at his house that night so I followed to make sure he was ok. Since I couldn't carry Alex home by myself, Jess noticed and helped me. Each carrying his shoulder, we eventually got him home. During that hour, he thew up about twice and we had to keep sitting down since he was so heavy. What scared me the most was that he kept shivering and hyperventilating really badly. If Jess wasn't with me, I would defiantly not know what to do. I kept thinking was he having a panic attack or an asthma attack! Throughout the way home, I just held onto him and comforting him. There was a point where two bouncers came up and asked how is he? jess replied yeah he just broke up with his girlfriend, which I found really funny. He was fairly conscious of what was happening after he threw up the first time. Even though my feet were aching really badly, we finally got him home and into bed. He passed out immediately.

During the night, I slept beside him making sure he was ok. His condition was fine until he woke up. We chatted in bed, mainly asking what happened and I filled in the gaps. Then he started throwing up continuously, hyperventilating and feeling really cold. It got too a point where I got up to get him some warm water hoping it would help. Eventually he asked me to google 'How to treat Alcohol poisoning'. At this point I knew it was getting serious and a potential trip to the hospital was needed. He just kept telling me he was short of breath and his face felt numb. At around 9am, we called 111 ( NHS) and other medical centres. Before the paramedics came, he was still shaking so I sat next to him and I put my arm around his shoulder to calm him down. The paramedic came to his house and treated him. Checking his blood pressure and alcohol level. His housemates were surprisingly calm and found it funny. All the drama ended before 10am. We both went back to sleep since we were both so tired. After he threw up once more, he felt fine. My eyes were shut but I was awake. I heard him talking to his housemates and he kept saying Jess and Sammy saved my life! aww sweet time <3 He kept trying to rewind what happened last night, funny stuff came out and shocking stories were told. It felt really warm to sleep next to someone again. Alex is such a gentlemen, even though we were sleeping next to each other, not once did he try to touch me unlike William and Philip who took advantage of this. The same morning, he said I could stay as long as I wanted, and even missing a lecture for this. His housemate Jeffrey came in and saw us two sleeping in the same bed. I think he got really jealous because he didn't make eye contact with me. When he brought in a cup of water, I asked oh wheres mine. He replied you two can both share it. I don't know why I found that funny. After getting ready, I asked do you want to grab lunch, he said yes! I was secretly like YES! He offered to cook me won ton mean! I was like double yes ! Something about guys and cooking , triple YES! We eventually ate Pancakes and Nutella, sweetness in heart <3. We stood in the kitchen and talked and talked. Found out a lot about each other. I left at 2pm since he had quite a few deadlines and work to do.

Overall it was a really funny night, most importantly I made memories with Alex. Truthfully, he is really my type. He's funny, outgoing, handsome, tall, cute and really sweet. Not to mention a real gentlemen, and also he's from Hong Kong as well bbc ! Yes the bbc jokes especially the HK ones <:D Hopefully he could be the one, because I really hope he his. I just feel really comfortable and safe with him. That feeling when I'm shy but at the same time I really want to around him. Even this morning when I woke up, he was the first person I though of. How good it would be to get a message from him. He texted me the same night of the previous day, 27th to thank me for taking care of him. The only downside is he's in Hertfordshire and I'm in Surrey, different universities and 2 hours away by train. Even though our homes aren't that far away. Also, since he is in third year, he sounds really busy with his uni work which is understandable. I mean if its meant to be, its definitely meant to be! I really like him and hopefully he does or eventually feel the same way. Really praying he's the one because I just feel really happy when Im with him. Throughout today I couldn't stop smiling when I daydreamed about him. That warm happy feeling! Thinking about what it would be like if we were dating. Would I get a boyfriend before Christmas or my 20th birthday? Fourth time a charm in 2016? Does he think of me like I do of him ? Is he looking to be in a relationship? Does he like me? Questions like this run through my head. One thing is for sure, to not mess-up this time I'm going to take it really slow, and not confessing my feelings so early. Establishing a good base before moving up a level in the relationship. I really want to bring a boy home where I can introduce as my boyfriend. Alex is defiantly the one but he has to like me as well. As I always say, everything in my life is perfect except my love life. The one thing I can't control because it is down to fate. Just hoping talking about it doesn't jinx it. Next time I see him will most likely be a night out in Christmas, if i can get it to be just us two again or maybe he can come down to Surrey.