life update 15th Oct 2016

So I wanted to write this blog post because for once in these few weeks I've had time to sit down and have some time to myself. Normally on a Friday night I would travel back to my parents home in London and spent my weekend with them. This weekend was slightly different, also night all my housemates were either working or out clubbing, so the house was very quiet. I partied for two nights straight two nights ago; therefore I decided Friday night was time for some personal relaxation at home. During this time, I reflected upon my new life at uni up until now and how I've evolved from my life at UCA last year when I was doing a Foundation. Firstly, I'm so much happier emotionally and physically. Ever since June 2016 my life has practically been perfect, well apart from the Romance and love side which is forever in shambles. I couldn't have wished for a happier me. You could say I feel like Blair Wardolf from Gossip Girl, expect I don't have a Chuck Bass waiting to sweep me off my feet. Instead I have a P who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and is someone I can't seem to get out my head. 

In one of my many confident moments in life at 12am at night, I confessed my feelings to P and hoped for the best. Not knowing what to expect I get a reply a few minutes after saying he's sorry he made me feel this way and he wasn't looking to be in a relationship. He wanted to stay friends and see where that takes us..... So I kept the conversation lighthearted and casual so I replied yeah sure. I didn't know what to expect from the reply. He isn't my ideal type of boyfriend, but maybe because I slept with him and we kissed I somehow developed feelings for him. I've kissed guys before but William and Phillip will always somehow be the ones I have feelings for. Even though I don't think about Alfred and William anymore. Well, we haven't spoken since and its been just over a week so I guess its not happening. I can barely remember what he looks like in person because he looks so much better in person than on camera. Why do most guys never smile on camera? 

Well this post wasn't really supposed to be aimed at whats happening in my love life, even though that seems to always be prioritised. I've realised how lucky my life is, being able to be privately educated since nursery and having countless private tutors. Despite when i was a child/ young teenager I hated how busy by life was. After school I would be whisked away to private tutor sessions for English and Maths, Piano lessons on Friday followed by science tutors afterwards. Then private tennis and swimming lessons on the weeks, and during the week at school. Not to mention the Tennis matches during the summer and swimming matches in the winter. All these steps in life have built me to become the person I am today. A much more confident, beautiful, risk taker and successful person. This is something I will defiantly install in my next generation. 

Let's also rewind to Thursday night, when I met my best friend for a night out. She is the person who introduced me to this group of friends. Whilst we were talking, I got a bit tipsy from the Vanilla Vokda and somehow poured my heart out about P. Telling her how hard it was to get over him and asking questions about how many girls he has slept with. Which apparently was none, which surprised me. That night P and I slept together was his first and he was sober. Which leads me to question Why me? why did he chose me to be his first one night stand girl? Was it because I was drunk? If he slept me we whats there to say he wouldn't do it with some other girl. P likes very Korean looking girls and I personally don't think I do look this particular style but my friend thinks otherwise. Im not your standard beautiful fit body looking asian girl, so why me Phillip? Why did you kiss me? Was it just in the heat of the moment or was it something else? Guess I will never know... now I need to stop thinking about you...and move on with my life! 

Protecting me or pushing me away ?

After that house party, therefore another party in Uni of Hertfordshire, P was going to be there therefore my friends and I attended. On the train I had a gut feeling that it was either going to be another best night or worst one ever. At the start, P didn't really acknowledge me, same at the flat party when I say he was with a group of pretty asian girls; jealousy overcame me and I tried looking away. Then at the house party, he ignored me and kept his distance. This really made me feel frustrated, wanting to get drunk but since I was really cold I kept sobering up. At the end of the night, my friends were relatively drunk and we were waiting to uber home. My friends got in a uber and i was waiting outside with another friend. Not knowing what to do since my friends had left, P immediacy called me a Uber and said i can't stay here. At the time I didn't understand what he meant, did he want me to leave so he could get with other girls. If he could get in bed with me whats stopping him doing the same that night with other girls. As I was waiting for my uber, one of the girls who was really slutty and had a VERY low cut top, walked out and started walking down the road. P chased after her, and disappeared round the corner. After I got in my uber, it also turned the corner. I saw that girl was very drunk and kept swaying as she walked and P was grabbing onto her arm. Again jealousy overcame me and my first instinct was ' he is defiantly getting with her or that Sita girl'. Vowing I would never come to Hertfordshire again or see him again.

A few days later, I realised P called me a Uber and told me I can't stay there was because his group of friends are quite rowdy and I was not safe for me to stay at the house party. I also found out he didn't sleep with any girls. Apparently he is really picky with his girls? Last night he went to party in Herts again, he posted a video on insta showing he was sleeping in a room with his mates, was this his way saying he wasn't sleeping with any girls, after he slept with me ? What does this mean ?

A heartbreak or new beginning

The title of this post is titled a heartbreak or new beginning because recently it seems my life is like a constant cycle of meeting someone new but then after a short romantic period with him,  I develop feelings and then I'm stuck in this position where the other person doesn't feel the same way; we part ways and I can't seem to forget him until I meet some new again.

Recently a close friend of mine invited her group of friends round to my house for a house party. Within that group of friends I met a guy called P. P is a really sweet and considerate guy who was also good looking and tall. Despite being a bit drunk that night, after clubbing P stayed in my room that night. We shared an intimate night with each other. Similar to how I felt with William when I had a summer romance with him a few months ago. The warm feeling of someone sleeping next to you returned again. I never wanted it to end again. Since I develop feelings for someone quite easily, the morning came and I asked myself the same question ( especially in these few weeks) "was it love or a one night stand". I can't say I love him since I don't know much about him, all I can say is I can't stop thinking about him since that night. Again, I find myself stuck in this vicious cycle of falling for someone and not being able to stop thinking about him; until I meet someone else.

Eager to full myself from this heartbreaking cycle, I took my courage and messaged him telling him how I felt. Whether we had something between us or was it a one night stand. I find for guys one night stands are simply for fun, but for girls there is some emotion attached. Somehow when he kissed me, I felt something. His reply to my message was 'he was sorry he made me feel this way, he was not looking to be in a relationship, he wanted to stay friends to see where it would lead us." As a girl, how do I respond! A part of me wished I could be as emotionless as guys were. A simple switch that I could switch off when I didn't want to miss him. Its funny how I don't really know much about P but that one night changed my emotions. Even though, when I was sober I did think P was really cute ! <3 He could have wrote his reply to my message in a much more brutal way, but I think its best for me to not wait for him and to forget him as soon as possible,

To be honest if you asked me whether I wanted P as my boyfriend or not, I don't think he fits all the criteria to be my boyfriend. Firstly, P doesn't go to uni or my uni, therefore I wouldn't know how to explain to my friends and family how I met him. Nor do I want to be honest and say I met him at a party. He's two years older than me and doesn't have what I would consider a stable job. For me, image is very important since I would have to introduce him into my social circles. Family dinners and gatherings with friends, events filled with class, judgement and bitchness. Especially since he would be my first boyfriend, It was vital I do this well and with standards. He would have to fit my parents approval, my family's approval, and my friend's approval.

I have no right to judge a person nor do I like to, but I want to find a man that I will love in a long term relationship and not a short one. Therefore I just feel that since Im not sure about our relationship in the long term, its properly in the best interest we don't date.

I miss him and I want to see him again, but if its the boyfriend card then I'm not 100% sure I can give him that card. I think he feels the same way since he said he's not ready to be a relationship. A heartbreak or a new beginning? It feels like a heartbreak right now since I can't stop thinking about him or stop looking about his social media. Despite this, P is a really good guy and I always dream how nice it would be if he was waiting for me round the corner or outside my house when i came back from uni <3 ! But this is a dream and not reality! Wish I could time travel and replay that night again. That Chanel Cologne that lingered in my bed for two nights, felt like he was sleeping by my side again.

These days I post on instagram's version of snapchat because I know he looks at my story and I want him to. There is a side of my that wants to give him the impression I've 'moved on and living the most exciting life with all my friends', but deep down i'm still Sammy who has many insecurities and just wants someone to share her life with. Someone to create sweet memories with and experience dating. A new beginning ? Would he be the one in the end or is this another heartbreak ! I wish life wasn't so complicated.

Overdose on Love painkiller

I miss the nights you slept beside me , your warm embrace and the feeling I won you. Even though it was brief, I just miss you so much. Why are we three years apart, I wish reality wasn't so harsh. If I could go back to the days of camp, where reality did not exist. Those two weeks are the happiest weeks I have experienced in many years. Why did u have to mess with my heart and then throw it away! I'm scared I'm going to develop love for you because I can't stop thinking about you. Neither can I stop talking about you infront of my friends. What should I do! The more I try to forget you the more I miss you and want u by my side again! Even if it is just for a few mins again. My heart aches don't you understand. Your cold attitude to me online .. Is it your way of pushing me away! Or was I just a game to you! I don't understand you at all! I hate you but love u ! Can someone give me a love pain killer that I can overdose on so I can forget you emotionally !

September 6th - Life update

So its been two days since I've officially moved into my new room in the student house I shall be living in for my first year at University. This year has defiantly started much more positive than last year, since I've become more out going and confident with socialising at social events. Last night, a flat party with thrown at halls and with my new attitude of 'trying to embrace everything during first year',  I had the best time meeting new people  and initiating conversations with other freshers. It amazing how a self introduction can lead to a strong, well rounded conversation with others, as well as leave a positive first impression.  With more parties and events lined up for the months to come, hopefully I can make my freshers year a replication of the time I had at camp. New friends, Amazing nights out, Lasting memories and wild stories to tell.


There are still times I think of the previous boys I've had a crush/ relationship with, Y and A most recently. I was watching a short film by Buzzfeedyellow. The first short film i watched was about abusive relationships especially between a lesbian couple. A lesbian couple and straight couple ( both friends) go on a weekend trip together. There was a scene where the straight couple were making out, I couldn't help but remember how Y and I kissed. That short, sweet intimate moment together that I miss. The second short film was acted by the same straight actors, this time the story was about how the girlfriend was previously rapped and she sees the rapist at coffee shop. Her struggle to overcome the incident and move on with life is represented through her expressions. This soon leads to a breakdown in how she is able to interact with others, as well as her male colleges and boyfriend. In the end, she is able to talk about her emotions and put an end to the traumatising rape incident. It really highlights the reality of how it can happen to any girl, and how its important to surround yourself with people that help keep you grounded. I particularly found the scenes where she took the courage to tell her boyfriend of the incident, it shows the strong trust and bond they have for each other. Im writing about these shorts films and not more of my soppy romance stories because I was intrigued at the high level of attention to detail; the director and scriptwriter has put in to make this film realistic and 'close to home'. There was no fairy tale ending or typical Hollywood romantic scenes, just pure reality. I would definitely recommend you watch them as the storyline is very intriguing from the start and raises many questions about the youth society of today.

Message to Will Yang

I hope you are happy with your girlfriend, I will never forget our short love and time together.
One thing I will never understand is why u got a gf mid- July, camp starts and two weeks later you cheat on your girlfriend with me. Do u really love her? You keep mentioning the existence of your gf, but I see no evidence of this apart from what you tell me! So was my love a game to you! Why did u act the way u did when we sat at the back of the coach together. I wish I could go back in time and relive the moment I put my head on your shoulder and you placed your jumper on me when I felt cold. That is the Y I miss and want. Not the Y, who is distancing me and acting cold to me on Facebook and snapchat! The way u opened your cold personality to me and told me your feelings shows your true personality deep down.

I just hope your lying next to somebody who knows how to love you like me. 再见💋

梦想 - Dreams

最近常常think of Y, 如果之前有看我去广州的blog post ，就会知道Y 是谁。最近听着 Chainsmokers 的新歌叫 Closer. 让我又think of Y⋯ 我同他之前的开心时光和回忆。

想forget 他，但是…做不到…
只可以在这里写出我的心情！好想又一起看到他，同他一起分享对方的开心和难过的事情，在床上感觉对方的温暖的拥抱！

现在我之可以继续追逐我时装设计的梦想，而且我希望他学习成功，也同女朋友幸福快乐！你笑的时候真很帅！