The title of this post is titled a heartbreak or new beginning because recently it seems my life is like a constant cycle of meeting someone new but then after a short romantic period with him, I develop feelings and then I'm stuck in this position where the other person doesn't feel the same way; we part ways and I can't seem to forget him until I meet some new again.
Recently a close friend of mine invited her group of friends round to my house for a house party. Within that group of friends I met a guy called P. P is a really sweet and considerate guy who was also good looking and tall. Despite being a bit drunk that night, after clubbing P stayed in my room that night. We shared an intimate night with each other. Similar to how I felt with William when I had a summer romance with him a few months ago. The warm feeling of someone sleeping next to you returned again. I never wanted it to end again. Since I develop feelings for someone quite easily, the morning came and I asked myself the same question ( especially in these few weeks) "was it love or a one night stand". I can't say I love him since I don't know much about him, all I can say is I can't stop thinking about him since that night. Again, I find myself stuck in this vicious cycle of falling for someone and not being able to stop thinking about him; until I meet someone else.
Eager to full myself from this heartbreaking cycle, I took my courage and messaged him telling him how I felt. Whether we had something between us or was it a one night stand. I find for guys one night stands are simply for fun, but for girls there is some emotion attached. Somehow when he kissed me, I felt something. His reply to my message was 'he was sorry he made me feel this way, he was not looking to be in a relationship, he wanted to stay friends to see where it would lead us." As a girl, how do I respond! A part of me wished I could be as emotionless as guys were. A simple switch that I could switch off when I didn't want to miss him. Its funny how I don't really know much about P but that one night changed my emotions. Even though, when I was sober I did think P was really cute ! <3 He could have wrote his reply to my message in a much more brutal way, but I think its best for me to not wait for him and to forget him as soon as possible,
To be honest if you asked me whether I wanted P as my boyfriend or not, I don't think he fits all the criteria to be my boyfriend. Firstly, P doesn't go to uni or my uni, therefore I wouldn't know how to explain to my friends and family how I met him. Nor do I want to be honest and say I met him at a party. He's two years older than me and doesn't have what I would consider a stable job. For me, image is very important since I would have to introduce him into my social circles. Family dinners and gatherings with friends, events filled with class, judgement and bitchness. Especially since he would be my first boyfriend, It was vital I do this well and with standards. He would have to fit my parents approval, my family's approval, and my friend's approval.
I have no right to judge a person nor do I like to, but I want to find a man that I will love in a long term relationship and not a short one. Therefore I just feel that since Im not sure about our relationship in the long term, its properly in the best interest we don't date.
I miss him and I want to see him again, but if its the boyfriend card then I'm not 100% sure I can give him that card. I think he feels the same way since he said he's not ready to be a relationship. A heartbreak or a new beginning? It feels like a heartbreak right now since I can't stop thinking about him or stop looking about his social media. Despite this, P is a really good guy and I always dream how nice it would be if he was waiting for me round the corner or outside my house when i came back from uni <3 ! But this is a dream and not reality! Wish I could time travel and replay that night again. That Chanel Cologne that lingered in my bed for two nights, felt like he was sleeping by my side again.
These days I post on instagram's version of snapchat because I know he looks at my story and I want him to. There is a side of my that wants to give him the impression I've 'moved on and living the most exciting life with all my friends', but deep down i'm still Sammy who has many insecurities and just wants someone to share her life with. Someone to create sweet memories with and experience dating. A new beginning ? Would he be the one in the end or is this another heartbreak ! I wish life wasn't so complicated.
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