I still miss you I'm sorry

It been a month since we had any contact, I regret not cherishing the days we were really good friends and talked everyday online. Re- reading our chat messages and thinking how happy i was during that time.

Now,  I feel lost, unloved, insecure. I really want to see you again but in the nearby future there doesn't seem like there is a chance I will. I regularly check snapchat, Instagram and Facebook to see if you update your profile. If I could I really wish I could travel back in time and meet you again. Let you see a better impression of me, become closer to you. Back when I first met you, you did not have my heart nowadays you are the only one I think of. Did you ever feel this way how too. Where did I stand in your life after we became closer after that night of Halloween.

Please don't be so harsh with me, why do you have to stop all contact with me. Everyday I really hope a message will appear on my phone from you. Whenever wherever you are.

When will I find true love, when will I stop falling in so quickly. Always waiting for you to look at my snapchat story.

Infant of my friends I seem to have this mask on with a smile pretending my life full of happiness. In reality, at night when I am alone in my room. The mask is removed and my true emotions are reflected. The image of already moved on from Alex and continuing with my life, an appearance of not thinking about him anymore, but every time his name comes up part of my heart gradually breaks as I think about the time we were close. Is there really another girl in his life, is she prettier than me, she is smarter than me. Is she better than me.

Whats wrong with me. 

Am I not good enough. 

Am I not pretty enough. 

Am I good enough for you.....

Was it really my fault 

what did I do wrong 

As I look in the mirror, what do i see , how do i feel 

Do I like this image of myself 

Is this the Sammy Tang I know or how I am viewed by others 

Every time the same sequence of events happens when I meet someone. When will my Knight in shining armour appear! 

Can't seem to forget you ...

So I have been putting off writing this diary post for a while now since I am not ready to admit the reality of what happened. After getting the courage to confess my feelings to Alex, he replies saying he really respects girls who confess but he only thinks of me as a sister and has feelings for someone else. He is the first boy who I have ever cried for. Even with William and Philip I could barely even get a tear out. This past month have I stopped thinking about him ... i can't. Even though I know I shouldn't think about him anymore and move on but .....When people ask me about him, a part of my heart just dies because I can't tell them the full truth and I only say the fairytale part of the story. When Giselle came over for dinner and was talking about Charlie. I really wanted that to me introducing my boyfriend to my parents and having dinner together. Being able to go on double dates with my friends who have boyfriends. This is love. A game I chose to play and lost. The feeling of wanting to text him but you know you can't.