已经第二日，他都冇再text 我😭。是不是又矢败，我真是希望不是，因为我真是發觉我喜欢他。不是有好感觉是真心喜欢他。是不是他最近好忙？他之是当我是朋友？但是…
好想每天见到他，每天好miss 他😭
Haven't even tried yet and has it already failed... I don't want to rush and screw up again! The feeling is different this time so I want to cherish this and not lose you. I now know for sure what I want and how I want it. If the saying 'u have to lose some to gain some' is true then I've failed many times and want to succeed this time!
Wish me luck 💪🏻 加油啊鄧曉嵐！
I fell in love with the ghostboy - Robotaki 🎧
Saturday 29 October 2016
Friday 28 October 2016
Could he be the one ?
On October 26th, I went to Hatfield, Hertfordshire for a Halloween party. Feeling excited but very nervous I took a train by myself this time which took 2 hours. After I got out the Uber and arrived at Alex's house, I felt extremely scared. Scared it was going to be another bad night, I would get upset and insecure about my surroundings. I called my best friend for a bit but had to cut the call when Alex opened the door. Normally when I feel this way, its quite opposite to how the night turns out. His housemates were so funny and welcoming when I came in.
So pre drinks started and we played ring of fire. The atmosphere was loud and fun. The best part was really the flat party, where nearly everyone was BBC Hong kong Chinese. So it really felt at home because we could all speak cantonese. Seeing familiar faces from last time I went to UOH freshers and meeting new ones. I finally got to meet Nicole who everyone says we look alike. To be honest its only our lower face structure thats the same. We all starting getting a bit drunk and playing drinking games before we headed out to Forum. On the way there, Alex and I were fairly tipsy because we were talking so much crap. The funniest part is when he told me his flatmate Jeffrey fancied me, I found this very flattering but unfortunately he is not my type; he also reminds me bit of Thomas. Must be the naive personalty :D ! In Forum, the group split up, I stuck with Kevin and his group and went upstairs to the "attic". Alex was downstairs, apparently he got very drunk and was in the toilet for half an hour.
At around 12 to 1, I went with Cherry and Nicole to go dance until we saw Alex on the verge of passing out and very drunk in the open space with Jess, who was helping him. The bouncers saw him and kicked him out, since i was staying at his house that night so I followed to make sure he was ok. Since I couldn't carry Alex home by myself, Jess noticed and helped me. Each carrying his shoulder, we eventually got him home. During that hour, he thew up about twice and we had to keep sitting down since he was so heavy. What scared me the most was that he kept shivering and hyperventilating really badly. If Jess wasn't with me, I would defiantly not know what to do. I kept thinking was he having a panic attack or an asthma attack! Throughout the way home, I just held onto him and comforting him. There was a point where two bouncers came up and asked how is he? jess replied yeah he just broke up with his girlfriend, which I found really funny. He was fairly conscious of what was happening after he threw up the first time. Even though my feet were aching really badly, we finally got him home and into bed. He passed out immediately.
During the night, I slept beside him making sure he was ok. His condition was fine until he woke up. We chatted in bed, mainly asking what happened and I filled in the gaps. Then he started throwing up continuously, hyperventilating and feeling really cold. It got too a point where I got up to get him some warm water hoping it would help. Eventually he asked me to google 'How to treat Alcohol poisoning'. At this point I knew it was getting serious and a potential trip to the hospital was needed. He just kept telling me he was short of breath and his face felt numb. At around 9am, we called 111 ( NHS) and other medical centres. Before the paramedics came, he was still shaking so I sat next to him and I put my arm around his shoulder to calm him down. The paramedic came to his house and treated him. Checking his blood pressure and alcohol level. His housemates were surprisingly calm and found it funny. All the drama ended before 10am. We both went back to sleep since we were both so tired. After he threw up once more, he felt fine. My eyes were shut but I was awake. I heard him talking to his housemates and he kept saying Jess and Sammy saved my life! aww sweet time <3 He kept trying to rewind what happened last night, funny stuff came out and shocking stories were told. It felt really warm to sleep next to someone again. Alex is such a gentlemen, even though we were sleeping next to each other, not once did he try to touch me unlike William and Philip who took advantage of this. The same morning, he said I could stay as long as I wanted, and even missing a lecture for this. His housemate Jeffrey came in and saw us two sleeping in the same bed. I think he got really jealous because he didn't make eye contact with me. When he brought in a cup of water, I asked oh wheres mine. He replied you two can both share it. I don't know why I found that funny. After getting ready, I asked do you want to grab lunch, he said yes! I was secretly like YES! He offered to cook me won ton mean! I was like double yes ! Something about guys and cooking , triple YES! We eventually ate Pancakes and Nutella, sweetness in heart <3. We stood in the kitchen and talked and talked. Found out a lot about each other. I left at 2pm since he had quite a few deadlines and work to do.
Overall it was a really funny night, most importantly I made memories with Alex. Truthfully, he is really my type. He's funny, outgoing, handsome, tall, cute and really sweet. Not to mention a real gentlemen, and also he's from Hong Kong as well bbc ! Yes the bbc jokes especially the HK ones <:D Hopefully he could be the one, because I really hope he his. I just feel really comfortable and safe with him. That feeling when I'm shy but at the same time I really want to around him. Even this morning when I woke up, he was the first person I though of. How good it would be to get a message from him. He texted me the same night of the previous day, 27th to thank me for taking care of him. The only downside is he's in Hertfordshire and I'm in Surrey, different universities and 2 hours away by train. Even though our homes aren't that far away. Also, since he is in third year, he sounds really busy with his uni work which is understandable. I mean if its meant to be, its definitely meant to be! I really like him and hopefully he does or eventually feel the same way. Really praying he's the one because I just feel really happy when Im with him. Throughout today I couldn't stop smiling when I daydreamed about him. That warm happy feeling! Thinking about what it would be like if we were dating. Would I get a boyfriend before Christmas or my 20th birthday? Fourth time a charm in 2016? Does he think of me like I do of him ? Is he looking to be in a relationship? Does he like me? Questions like this run through my head. One thing is for sure, to not mess-up this time I'm going to take it really slow, and not confessing my feelings so early. Establishing a good base before moving up a level in the relationship. I really want to bring a boy home where I can introduce as my boyfriend. Alex is defiantly the one but he has to like me as well. As I always say, everything in my life is perfect except my love life. The one thing I can't control because it is down to fate. Just hoping talking about it doesn't jinx it. Next time I see him will most likely be a night out in Christmas, if i can get it to be just us two again or maybe he can come down to Surrey.
So pre drinks started and we played ring of fire. The atmosphere was loud and fun. The best part was really the flat party, where nearly everyone was BBC Hong kong Chinese. So it really felt at home because we could all speak cantonese. Seeing familiar faces from last time I went to UOH freshers and meeting new ones. I finally got to meet Nicole who everyone says we look alike. To be honest its only our lower face structure thats the same. We all starting getting a bit drunk and playing drinking games before we headed out to Forum. On the way there, Alex and I were fairly tipsy because we were talking so much crap. The funniest part is when he told me his flatmate Jeffrey fancied me, I found this very flattering but unfortunately he is not my type; he also reminds me bit of Thomas. Must be the naive personalty :D ! In Forum, the group split up, I stuck with Kevin and his group and went upstairs to the "attic". Alex was downstairs, apparently he got very drunk and was in the toilet for half an hour.
At around 12 to 1, I went with Cherry and Nicole to go dance until we saw Alex on the verge of passing out and very drunk in the open space with Jess, who was helping him. The bouncers saw him and kicked him out, since i was staying at his house that night so I followed to make sure he was ok. Since I couldn't carry Alex home by myself, Jess noticed and helped me. Each carrying his shoulder, we eventually got him home. During that hour, he thew up about twice and we had to keep sitting down since he was so heavy. What scared me the most was that he kept shivering and hyperventilating really badly. If Jess wasn't with me, I would defiantly not know what to do. I kept thinking was he having a panic attack or an asthma attack! Throughout the way home, I just held onto him and comforting him. There was a point where two bouncers came up and asked how is he? jess replied yeah he just broke up with his girlfriend, which I found really funny. He was fairly conscious of what was happening after he threw up the first time. Even though my feet were aching really badly, we finally got him home and into bed. He passed out immediately.
During the night, I slept beside him making sure he was ok. His condition was fine until he woke up. We chatted in bed, mainly asking what happened and I filled in the gaps. Then he started throwing up continuously, hyperventilating and feeling really cold. It got too a point where I got up to get him some warm water hoping it would help. Eventually he asked me to google 'How to treat Alcohol poisoning'. At this point I knew it was getting serious and a potential trip to the hospital was needed. He just kept telling me he was short of breath and his face felt numb. At around 9am, we called 111 ( NHS) and other medical centres. Before the paramedics came, he was still shaking so I sat next to him and I put my arm around his shoulder to calm him down. The paramedic came to his house and treated him. Checking his blood pressure and alcohol level. His housemates were surprisingly calm and found it funny. All the drama ended before 10am. We both went back to sleep since we were both so tired. After he threw up once more, he felt fine. My eyes were shut but I was awake. I heard him talking to his housemates and he kept saying Jess and Sammy saved my life! aww sweet time <3 He kept trying to rewind what happened last night, funny stuff came out and shocking stories were told. It felt really warm to sleep next to someone again. Alex is such a gentlemen, even though we were sleeping next to each other, not once did he try to touch me unlike William and Philip who took advantage of this. The same morning, he said I could stay as long as I wanted, and even missing a lecture for this. His housemate Jeffrey came in and saw us two sleeping in the same bed. I think he got really jealous because he didn't make eye contact with me. When he brought in a cup of water, I asked oh wheres mine. He replied you two can both share it. I don't know why I found that funny. After getting ready, I asked do you want to grab lunch, he said yes! I was secretly like YES! He offered to cook me won ton mean! I was like double yes ! Something about guys and cooking , triple YES! We eventually ate Pancakes and Nutella, sweetness in heart <3. We stood in the kitchen and talked and talked. Found out a lot about each other. I left at 2pm since he had quite a few deadlines and work to do.
Overall it was a really funny night, most importantly I made memories with Alex. Truthfully, he is really my type. He's funny, outgoing, handsome, tall, cute and really sweet. Not to mention a real gentlemen, and also he's from Hong Kong as well bbc ! Yes the bbc jokes especially the HK ones <:D Hopefully he could be the one, because I really hope he his. I just feel really comfortable and safe with him. That feeling when I'm shy but at the same time I really want to around him. Even this morning when I woke up, he was the first person I though of. How good it would be to get a message from him. He texted me the same night of the previous day, 27th to thank me for taking care of him. The only downside is he's in Hertfordshire and I'm in Surrey, different universities and 2 hours away by train. Even though our homes aren't that far away. Also, since he is in third year, he sounds really busy with his uni work which is understandable. I mean if its meant to be, its definitely meant to be! I really like him and hopefully he does or eventually feel the same way. Really praying he's the one because I just feel really happy when Im with him. Throughout today I couldn't stop smiling when I daydreamed about him. That warm happy feeling! Thinking about what it would be like if we were dating. Would I get a boyfriend before Christmas or my 20th birthday? Fourth time a charm in 2016? Does he think of me like I do of him ? Is he looking to be in a relationship? Does he like me? Questions like this run through my head. One thing is for sure, to not mess-up this time I'm going to take it really slow, and not confessing my feelings so early. Establishing a good base before moving up a level in the relationship. I really want to bring a boy home where I can introduce as my boyfriend. Alex is defiantly the one but he has to like me as well. As I always say, everything in my life is perfect except my love life. The one thing I can't control because it is down to fate. Just hoping talking about it doesn't jinx it. Next time I see him will most likely be a night out in Christmas, if i can get it to be just us two again or maybe he can come down to Surrey.
Saturday 15 October 2016
life update 15th Oct 2016
So I wanted to write this blog post because for once in these few weeks I've had time to sit down and have some time to myself. Normally on a Friday night I would travel back to my parents home in London and spent my weekend with them. This weekend was slightly different, also night all my housemates were either working or out clubbing, so the house was very quiet. I partied for two nights straight two nights ago; therefore I decided Friday night was time for some personal relaxation at home. During this time, I reflected upon my new life at uni up until now and how I've evolved from my life at UCA last year when I was doing a Foundation. Firstly, I'm so much happier emotionally and physically. Ever since June 2016 my life has practically been perfect, well apart from the Romance and love side which is forever in shambles. I couldn't have wished for a happier me. You could say I feel like Blair Wardolf from Gossip Girl, expect I don't have a Chuck Bass waiting to sweep me off my feet. Instead I have a P who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and is someone I can't seem to get out my head.
In one of my many confident moments in life at 12am at night, I confessed my feelings to P and hoped for the best. Not knowing what to expect I get a reply a few minutes after saying he's sorry he made me feel this way and he wasn't looking to be in a relationship. He wanted to stay friends and see where that takes us..... So I kept the conversation lighthearted and casual so I replied yeah sure. I didn't know what to expect from the reply. He isn't my ideal type of boyfriend, but maybe because I slept with him and we kissed I somehow developed feelings for him. I've kissed guys before but William and Phillip will always somehow be the ones I have feelings for. Even though I don't think about Alfred and William anymore. Well, we haven't spoken since and its been just over a week so I guess its not happening. I can barely remember what he looks like in person because he looks so much better in person than on camera. Why do most guys never smile on camera?
Well this post wasn't really supposed to be aimed at whats happening in my love life, even though that seems to always be prioritised. I've realised how lucky my life is, being able to be privately educated since nursery and having countless private tutors. Despite when i was a child/ young teenager I hated how busy by life was. After school I would be whisked away to private tutor sessions for English and Maths, Piano lessons on Friday followed by science tutors afterwards. Then private tennis and swimming lessons on the weeks, and during the week at school. Not to mention the Tennis matches during the summer and swimming matches in the winter. All these steps in life have built me to become the person I am today. A much more confident, beautiful, risk taker and successful person. This is something I will defiantly install in my next generation.
Let's also rewind to Thursday night, when I met my best friend for a night out. She is the person who introduced me to this group of friends. Whilst we were talking, I got a bit tipsy from the Vanilla Vokda and somehow poured my heart out about P. Telling her how hard it was to get over him and asking questions about how many girls he has slept with. Which apparently was none, which surprised me. That night P and I slept together was his first and he was sober. Which leads me to question Why me? why did he chose me to be his first one night stand girl? Was it because I was drunk? If he slept me we whats there to say he wouldn't do it with some other girl. P likes very Korean looking girls and I personally don't think I do look this particular style but my friend thinks otherwise. Im not your standard beautiful fit body looking asian girl, so why me Phillip? Why did you kiss me? Was it just in the heat of the moment or was it something else? Guess I will never know... now I need to stop thinking about you...and move on with my life!
Thursday 6 October 2016
Protecting me or pushing me away ?
After that house party, therefore another party in Uni of Hertfordshire, P was going to be there therefore my friends and I attended. On the train I had a gut feeling that it was either going to be another best night or worst one ever. At the start, P didn't really acknowledge me, same at the flat party when I say he was with a group of pretty asian girls; jealousy overcame me and I tried looking away. Then at the house party, he ignored me and kept his distance. This really made me feel frustrated, wanting to get drunk but since I was really cold I kept sobering up. At the end of the night, my friends were relatively drunk and we were waiting to uber home. My friends got in a uber and i was waiting outside with another friend. Not knowing what to do since my friends had left, P immediacy called me a Uber and said i can't stay here. At the time I didn't understand what he meant, did he want me to leave so he could get with other girls. If he could get in bed with me whats stopping him doing the same that night with other girls. As I was waiting for my uber, one of the girls who was really slutty and had a VERY low cut top, walked out and started walking down the road. P chased after her, and disappeared round the corner. After I got in my uber, it also turned the corner. I saw that girl was very drunk and kept swaying as she walked and P was grabbing onto her arm. Again jealousy overcame me and my first instinct was ' he is defiantly getting with her or that Sita girl'. Vowing I would never come to Hertfordshire again or see him again.
A few days later, I realised P called me a Uber and told me I can't stay there was because his group of friends are quite rowdy and I was not safe for me to stay at the house party. I also found out he didn't sleep with any girls. Apparently he is really picky with his girls? Last night he went to party in Herts again, he posted a video on insta showing he was sleeping in a room with his mates, was this his way saying he wasn't sleeping with any girls, after he slept with me ? What does this mean ?
A few days later, I realised P called me a Uber and told me I can't stay there was because his group of friends are quite rowdy and I was not safe for me to stay at the house party. I also found out he didn't sleep with any girls. Apparently he is really picky with his girls? Last night he went to party in Herts again, he posted a video on insta showing he was sleeping in a room with his mates, was this his way saying he wasn't sleeping with any girls, after he slept with me ? What does this mean ?
A heartbreak or new beginning
The title of this post is titled a heartbreak or new beginning because recently it seems my life is like a constant cycle of meeting someone new but then after a short romantic period with him, I develop feelings and then I'm stuck in this position where the other person doesn't feel the same way; we part ways and I can't seem to forget him until I meet some new again.
Recently a close friend of mine invited her group of friends round to my house for a house party. Within that group of friends I met a guy called P. P is a really sweet and considerate guy who was also good looking and tall. Despite being a bit drunk that night, after clubbing P stayed in my room that night. We shared an intimate night with each other. Similar to how I felt with William when I had a summer romance with him a few months ago. The warm feeling of someone sleeping next to you returned again. I never wanted it to end again. Since I develop feelings for someone quite easily, the morning came and I asked myself the same question ( especially in these few weeks) "was it love or a one night stand". I can't say I love him since I don't know much about him, all I can say is I can't stop thinking about him since that night. Again, I find myself stuck in this vicious cycle of falling for someone and not being able to stop thinking about him; until I meet someone else.
Eager to full myself from this heartbreaking cycle, I took my courage and messaged him telling him how I felt. Whether we had something between us or was it a one night stand. I find for guys one night stands are simply for fun, but for girls there is some emotion attached. Somehow when he kissed me, I felt something. His reply to my message was 'he was sorry he made me feel this way, he was not looking to be in a relationship, he wanted to stay friends to see where it would lead us." As a girl, how do I respond! A part of me wished I could be as emotionless as guys were. A simple switch that I could switch off when I didn't want to miss him. Its funny how I don't really know much about P but that one night changed my emotions. Even though, when I was sober I did think P was really cute ! <3 He could have wrote his reply to my message in a much more brutal way, but I think its best for me to not wait for him and to forget him as soon as possible,
To be honest if you asked me whether I wanted P as my boyfriend or not, I don't think he fits all the criteria to be my boyfriend. Firstly, P doesn't go to uni or my uni, therefore I wouldn't know how to explain to my friends and family how I met him. Nor do I want to be honest and say I met him at a party. He's two years older than me and doesn't have what I would consider a stable job. For me, image is very important since I would have to introduce him into my social circles. Family dinners and gatherings with friends, events filled with class, judgement and bitchness. Especially since he would be my first boyfriend, It was vital I do this well and with standards. He would have to fit my parents approval, my family's approval, and my friend's approval.
I have no right to judge a person nor do I like to, but I want to find a man that I will love in a long term relationship and not a short one. Therefore I just feel that since Im not sure about our relationship in the long term, its properly in the best interest we don't date.
I miss him and I want to see him again, but if its the boyfriend card then I'm not 100% sure I can give him that card. I think he feels the same way since he said he's not ready to be a relationship. A heartbreak or a new beginning? It feels like a heartbreak right now since I can't stop thinking about him or stop looking about his social media. Despite this, P is a really good guy and I always dream how nice it would be if he was waiting for me round the corner or outside my house when i came back from uni <3 ! But this is a dream and not reality! Wish I could time travel and replay that night again. That Chanel Cologne that lingered in my bed for two nights, felt like he was sleeping by my side again.
These days I post on instagram's version of snapchat because I know he looks at my story and I want him to. There is a side of my that wants to give him the impression I've 'moved on and living the most exciting life with all my friends', but deep down i'm still Sammy who has many insecurities and just wants someone to share her life with. Someone to create sweet memories with and experience dating. A new beginning ? Would he be the one in the end or is this another heartbreak ! I wish life wasn't so complicated.
Recently a close friend of mine invited her group of friends round to my house for a house party. Within that group of friends I met a guy called P. P is a really sweet and considerate guy who was also good looking and tall. Despite being a bit drunk that night, after clubbing P stayed in my room that night. We shared an intimate night with each other. Similar to how I felt with William when I had a summer romance with him a few months ago. The warm feeling of someone sleeping next to you returned again. I never wanted it to end again. Since I develop feelings for someone quite easily, the morning came and I asked myself the same question ( especially in these few weeks) "was it love or a one night stand". I can't say I love him since I don't know much about him, all I can say is I can't stop thinking about him since that night. Again, I find myself stuck in this vicious cycle of falling for someone and not being able to stop thinking about him; until I meet someone else.
Eager to full myself from this heartbreaking cycle, I took my courage and messaged him telling him how I felt. Whether we had something between us or was it a one night stand. I find for guys one night stands are simply for fun, but for girls there is some emotion attached. Somehow when he kissed me, I felt something. His reply to my message was 'he was sorry he made me feel this way, he was not looking to be in a relationship, he wanted to stay friends to see where it would lead us." As a girl, how do I respond! A part of me wished I could be as emotionless as guys were. A simple switch that I could switch off when I didn't want to miss him. Its funny how I don't really know much about P but that one night changed my emotions. Even though, when I was sober I did think P was really cute ! <3 He could have wrote his reply to my message in a much more brutal way, but I think its best for me to not wait for him and to forget him as soon as possible,
To be honest if you asked me whether I wanted P as my boyfriend or not, I don't think he fits all the criteria to be my boyfriend. Firstly, P doesn't go to uni or my uni, therefore I wouldn't know how to explain to my friends and family how I met him. Nor do I want to be honest and say I met him at a party. He's two years older than me and doesn't have what I would consider a stable job. For me, image is very important since I would have to introduce him into my social circles. Family dinners and gatherings with friends, events filled with class, judgement and bitchness. Especially since he would be my first boyfriend, It was vital I do this well and with standards. He would have to fit my parents approval, my family's approval, and my friend's approval.
I have no right to judge a person nor do I like to, but I want to find a man that I will love in a long term relationship and not a short one. Therefore I just feel that since Im not sure about our relationship in the long term, its properly in the best interest we don't date.
I miss him and I want to see him again, but if its the boyfriend card then I'm not 100% sure I can give him that card. I think he feels the same way since he said he's not ready to be a relationship. A heartbreak or a new beginning? It feels like a heartbreak right now since I can't stop thinking about him or stop looking about his social media. Despite this, P is a really good guy and I always dream how nice it would be if he was waiting for me round the corner or outside my house when i came back from uni <3 ! But this is a dream and not reality! Wish I could time travel and replay that night again. That Chanel Cologne that lingered in my bed for two nights, felt like he was sleeping by my side again.
These days I post on instagram's version of snapchat because I know he looks at my story and I want him to. There is a side of my that wants to give him the impression I've 'moved on and living the most exciting life with all my friends', but deep down i'm still Sammy who has many insecurities and just wants someone to share her life with. Someone to create sweet memories with and experience dating. A new beginning ? Would he be the one in the end or is this another heartbreak ! I wish life wasn't so complicated.
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