Tuesday 28 November 2017
Sunday 5 November 2017
should I wait or leave?
should I drop him or wait for him?
to be honest since our third date I have been asking myself whether I should just drop Juin. When he was with me it felt like his mind wasn't. Why am I doing this to myself? Other people seem to find guys that truly love them whilst it always seems like a one sided love.
Every time I want to drop Juin and delete everything I just can't bring myself to do so because I miss him. I don't know how this is going to go because I have never dated before, I don't know how to play this game. Scared Im going to get hurt again, I rather pull out early than fall in too deep.
How well do I even know you ? I don't even know ? Sometimes I wish I never met you.
Shouldn't I have someone who truly loves me and respects me. Can I take a pill and forget u ....
what should I do ? should I just let you go you don't even care about me. why is life so hard....
to be honest since our third date I have been asking myself whether I should just drop Juin. When he was with me it felt like his mind wasn't. Why am I doing this to myself? Other people seem to find guys that truly love them whilst it always seems like a one sided love.
Every time I want to drop Juin and delete everything I just can't bring myself to do so because I miss him. I don't know how this is going to go because I have never dated before, I don't know how to play this game. Scared Im going to get hurt again, I rather pull out early than fall in too deep.
How well do I even know you ? I don't even know ? Sometimes I wish I never met you.
Shouldn't I have someone who truly loves me and respects me. Can I take a pill and forget u ....
what should I do ? should I just let you go you don't even care about me. why is life so hard....
Saturday 14 October 2017
Darling you haven't realised how loved you are
So I met someone new Juin Yang. This has really helped me get over Alex Wong. Even when I see the name Alex appear I don't feel the way I did in comparison to a couple of months ago. I still remember the warm feeling I felt talking on the phone to Pris about Juin when I was waiting for my train. His passion and talent really attracted me to him. Honestly, I felt I was finally able to escape this anxiety void I was trapped in for so long. How during watching IT he held my held when I was scared. Came close when we were talking and made me feel secure in his presence.
Last night was our second date. I went over to his place. We watched a movie and chilled. We eventually got closer and closer. I felt really secure when I rested my head on his shoulder. As if the word was mine again. I don't ever want to forget this feeling. Last time I felt this way was last summer with Will. When we cuddled at the back of the coach. He played me my favourite song 'faded' and 'Little happiness' on the piano.
We had a really deep conversation when we were in bed together. To the point we really opened our hearts and he ... said some things I didn't really want to hear. It really shattered my heart and made me feel a bit used. As I was in his embrace and it sounded as if he was using my body. We were close together and he had his eyes closed. I said 'Juin look at me' and kissed him. I really wanted to because thats how I felt about him. Even though I fall for someone quick, thats because I always know what I want and what I don't want, always clear about it regardless.
What he told me about not looking for a relationship and not currently fancying any girls, made me feel really used after what we just did. Despite him saying he didn't want me to feel that way, since I am a girl I do have emotions. At that moment I pushed him away and got dressed to go back to Epsom. I just felt like the world fell apart. I went from feeling like I owned the world back to borderline anxiety.
Im glad after we got dressed we had another chat which brightened the mood, he reassured me that we will be really good friends and that he would always be there for me when I need him. Then hugged me. which made me stop crying. But as I wanted to, on the train home I had tears roll down my face. I really wanted to and needed to cry it out. It wasn't until Adam called me and I couldn't control myself and bawled on the phone. I am forever grateful to have Adam and Saffy in my life as without them I think I would have done something stupid to myself. They really cheered myself up and stopped me falling in a depression hole. Juin kept messaging me asking if I was ok and called me. But I really didn't feel like talking. I wanted him to miss me and want me.
The next morning I replied to his text, we had a chat. It gave me hope which I am happy about but at the same time I don't want false hope. But at least I know for sure Juin will always be there for me when I need him. That reassurance makes me secure and loved again. 'I really appreciate you'. After showing Adam the text, he told me ' give it time'. So from a boy's point of view guess thats what I have to remember.
Last night was our second date. I went over to his place. We watched a movie and chilled. We eventually got closer and closer. I felt really secure when I rested my head on his shoulder. As if the word was mine again. I don't ever want to forget this feeling. Last time I felt this way was last summer with Will. When we cuddled at the back of the coach. He played me my favourite song 'faded' and 'Little happiness' on the piano.
We had a really deep conversation when we were in bed together. To the point we really opened our hearts and he ... said some things I didn't really want to hear. It really shattered my heart and made me feel a bit used. As I was in his embrace and it sounded as if he was using my body. We were close together and he had his eyes closed. I said 'Juin look at me' and kissed him. I really wanted to because thats how I felt about him. Even though I fall for someone quick, thats because I always know what I want and what I don't want, always clear about it regardless.
What he told me about not looking for a relationship and not currently fancying any girls, made me feel really used after what we just did. Despite him saying he didn't want me to feel that way, since I am a girl I do have emotions. At that moment I pushed him away and got dressed to go back to Epsom. I just felt like the world fell apart. I went from feeling like I owned the world back to borderline anxiety.
Im glad after we got dressed we had another chat which brightened the mood, he reassured me that we will be really good friends and that he would always be there for me when I need him. Then hugged me. which made me stop crying. But as I wanted to, on the train home I had tears roll down my face. I really wanted to and needed to cry it out. It wasn't until Adam called me and I couldn't control myself and bawled on the phone. I am forever grateful to have Adam and Saffy in my life as without them I think I would have done something stupid to myself. They really cheered myself up and stopped me falling in a depression hole. Juin kept messaging me asking if I was ok and called me. But I really didn't feel like talking. I wanted him to miss me and want me.
The next morning I replied to his text, we had a chat. It gave me hope which I am happy about but at the same time I don't want false hope. But at least I know for sure Juin will always be there for me when I need him. That reassurance makes me secure and loved again. 'I really appreciate you'. After showing Adam the text, he told me ' give it time'. So from a boy's point of view guess thats what I have to remember.
Sunday 9 July 2017
Fresh start
So today Alex boarded a plane for Hong Kong. After hearing about this news I was shocked and very upset, the feeling of loneliness overcame me. Even during work the next day I could not contain my emotions and his name kept entering my thoughts. I felt very lost.. again. Soon after I was in denial about this as there was no other confirmation concerning this until today.
When I saw he posted on snapchat he was boarding a plane at T5 I knew it was true, even writing on Facebook he doesn't know when he will be back. The reality soon hit. It came true but I had to accept the reality. Trying hard not to be upset but instead take this as an opportunity for a fresh start.
A fresh start to meet someone I deserve, the right person at the right time. To my suprise instead of feeling trapped like when I heard about this news I felt... free. Free from thinking about him all the time how miserable I felt for the past 6 months. I was finally free... a breath of fresh air.
He will always be the first boy who made me cry and in a nightmare for 6 months. I think its best for both our interests he is not in the UK anymore as this will defiantly cut him out my life for good.
New middle parting to mark the new start ? :D
When I saw he posted on snapchat he was boarding a plane at T5 I knew it was true, even writing on Facebook he doesn't know when he will be back. The reality soon hit. It came true but I had to accept the reality. Trying hard not to be upset but instead take this as an opportunity for a fresh start.
A fresh start to meet someone I deserve, the right person at the right time. To my suprise instead of feeling trapped like when I heard about this news I felt... free. Free from thinking about him all the time how miserable I felt for the past 6 months. I was finally free... a breath of fresh air.
He will always be the first boy who made me cry and in a nightmare for 6 months. I think its best for both our interests he is not in the UK anymore as this will defiantly cut him out my life for good.
New middle parting to mark the new start ? :D
Wednesday 24 May 2017
slowly fading out of my life
Recently Alex no longer looks at my snapchat stories. The last connection I had with him seems to be fading but not by my choice. For a long time snapchat was my way of reminding myself of him, but every since he didn't post a story for months and no a days he doesn't even look at my story I feel even the last way of seeing him name appear on my phone seems to be gone. Even though I previously stated I am over him and don't have anymore feelings. But its been nearly 6 months and I still think about him everyday. Whenever I post a snapchat story it was my own secret way of wondering when he would look at my story. Thinking he still cared about me. My own way of avoiding the reality of everything.
Even fate is not on our side. May 29th an opportunity to see him at Kevin's BBQ but is the day I land in Hong Kong. For months my wish was to see Alex again. But even the sky doesn't think this is a good idea. Alex and I crossing paths back in September was a mistake because it only brought me pain and sadness. But I can't seem to forget you. No matter how hard I try. Maybe its because you were never mine and the one thing I couldn't get. I gave myself hope for months, a morphine to numb how I felt. Making myself feel unloved which resulted in more pain than I could handle. Even though I could mask in in front of other people I can't lie to myself.
I still have feelings for Alex but when I think of you, its not happy memories. Your image is fading from my mind but the emotion is still living. I don't like you I hate you because I feel like I'm dying inside. The sadness is eating me alive. I wanted to forget you but I simply cannot. But there is nothing I can do because I know for a fact you don't feel the same way about me.
Being in Hong Kong next week doesn't exactly help me forget about you.
I need to keep on moving on with my life but I can't help myself to stop and think about you. Wondering if I would see you when I turned a corner.
These 6 months have been really tiring I really need a holiday without you in my thoughts.
Even fate is not on our side. May 29th an opportunity to see him at Kevin's BBQ but is the day I land in Hong Kong. For months my wish was to see Alex again. But even the sky doesn't think this is a good idea. Alex and I crossing paths back in September was a mistake because it only brought me pain and sadness. But I can't seem to forget you. No matter how hard I try. Maybe its because you were never mine and the one thing I couldn't get. I gave myself hope for months, a morphine to numb how I felt. Making myself feel unloved which resulted in more pain than I could handle. Even though I could mask in in front of other people I can't lie to myself.
I still have feelings for Alex but when I think of you, its not happy memories. Your image is fading from my mind but the emotion is still living. I don't like you I hate you because I feel like I'm dying inside. The sadness is eating me alive. I wanted to forget you but I simply cannot. But there is nothing I can do because I know for a fact you don't feel the same way about me.
Being in Hong Kong next week doesn't exactly help me forget about you.
I need to keep on moving on with my life but I can't help myself to stop and think about you. Wondering if I would see you when I turned a corner.
These 6 months have been really tiring I really need a holiday without you in my thoughts.
Tuesday 25 April 2017
Still missing you at night
These days I can't get you out of my head. When you came up in my whatsapps, my heart filled with curiosity. Desperate not to get too exited in my head with the fear of losing the moment. Even though I know it is impossible but I really want to see you once more. I don't know if this is the best way because it will make me miss you even more. These past four months haven't been the easiest for me. During the day when I'm busy the anxiety isn't as bad, but at night when its just me my heart fills with worry and loneliness. I don't know what to do. I need someone to guide me out of this dark tunnel. Someone to reassure me when times get tough.
I admit the only reason Im going to Cheeky Wednesday tomorrow is because I want to relive the moment back from October and have a chance to see you again. Is this too much to ask for is this fate saying the time between Alex and I is over. Will fate bring me to meet someone new but then again am I ready because I am not over Alex. Im scared to fall in love again as you lose when you are serious.
I don't know what to do, Im lost again and i feel insecure.
Saturday 8 April 2017
when life gets tough
So I finally decided to write this post after reading a few of my other friend's blogs, coincidently they were going through the same/ similar situation as me. These friends were from secondary school who I have just kept in touch with through Facebook. It was on the topic of 'Mental health'. To be honest I really don't know how to summarise everything that has happened to me these past few months, because its something I never expected to have to ever go through in life. Before university I never worried about ever falling into some sort of mental health issue due to the fact I was extremely lucky to have grew up in a really supportive and positive family.
To be more specific in terms of what has happened recently is, during first year of university I began to socialise and meet more people outside of my usual social circle. Of course when you meet people, sometimes romance does roll into the friendships. Long story short so I met someone end of October but it ended really badly by December. It was something that was not in my control because it was actually one of my close friends ( friend A) that caused it. Even though I forgave friend A I still limit what I tell her especially when its information very personal to me. What friend A did, resulted in that guy to stop talking to me. I felt very embarrassed, hurt and insecure after all the drama happened. I remember calling literally all of my other friends crying on the phone asking for advice on what I should do because I was simply petrified of the fact I would lose him even as a friend. I still regret confessing how I felt because it was the most scariest thing I have ever done in my life. Also, it made me feel really exposed and insecure.
Even though it may seem like normal friendship drama that everyone goes through, it really took a toll on me. It stressed me out to the point where for a very long time I felt very negative and low about my life. I started to doubt myself. Due to the fact I suffered with mild/severe acne since I was 11 years old, it resulted me in having body image problems. It got so serious to the point when one morning I woke up hyperventilating and feeling very nauseous, because I kept repeating everything that happened in my mind. All the emotions and thoughts kept replaying constantly. I built up the courage to see the uni councillor. Due to the fact I having been secretly feeling very low since end of summer 2016 till December. The drama that happened didn't exactly help me my situation. Worried and unsure whether I may have depression. Even though one of best friends who I told everything to told me it didn't seem like I have depression, for some reason I just constantly felt very low and upset. In front of my friends and family I was easily able to mask my true emotions but at night when I am alone working in my room I was not able to get rid of these negative feelings. After talking to the councillor she just told me I have high levels of stress and anxiety. I regret not taking the recovery sessions simply because I stupidly thought I was fine when I realise now I am not, also I thought other people needed the sessions with the councillor more than I do because they are going through something much worse.
The assessment deadline I had after Christmas really made me come to terms with the fact I am not as healthy as I think I am mentally. The lack of sleep and stress of the assessment got to me so badly to the point I kept breaking into tears for a whole month. I even broke into tears in font of my lecturers during the assessment feedback. It was so embarrassing and the entire year knew about it. I think I was also partly crying because I missed him and regret all the drama that happened between him and I. I still feel sorry for having to getting him involved in something he didn't need to be a part of.
As well as my mental health all of this took a toll of my general health. I started dieting because I gained some weight because of the herbal medicine I was taking for poor blood circulation. I wasn't satisfied with how I looked. I simply thought I was not good enough. All this resulted me in not having enough blood and constantly felt lightheaded and faint.
It wasn't until my birthday, my amazing best friends made me a birthday video with all my friends sending wishing me happy birthday and telling me they love and miss me. As cliche as it sounds for months I felt so unloved, but after watching that video it made me feel so much better about myself. I am eternally grateful to be blessed and surrounded by amazing friends who love me for me.
To be honest up to this day I still have my low days but in comparison to how I felt back in January, I feel a lot more happier. What really annoyed when I was going through the bad stages of all this, was when people said I lived a 'perfect' life, you have no idea the amount of stress and drama I have been through. Even the councillor said to me she would hate to be in my position in all that drama.
I don't know if I will ever post this, simplify because I don't know if I am ready for people to know about something so personal to me nor do I want people to think I am writing this to gain attention because the one thing I hate the most is attention on myself. If this posts does help someone realise how common mental health issues are then its worth it, because it wasn't after I read some of my friends from secondary school's posts it made me realise how common it was. Due to the fact I would have never guessed they would fall into depression because they are some of the most happiest people I know and I went to school with them for 7 years. Even though the subject of depression is brought up, I don't know how to label the technical term of what I am going though because I have not had the courage to have myself examined. At first I thought all these thoughts would fade over time but its been a little over half a year.
Maybe I'm posting this because I want someone to tell me what is going on with myself.
To be more specific in terms of what has happened recently is, during first year of university I began to socialise and meet more people outside of my usual social circle. Of course when you meet people, sometimes romance does roll into the friendships. Long story short so I met someone end of October but it ended really badly by December. It was something that was not in my control because it was actually one of my close friends ( friend A) that caused it. Even though I forgave friend A I still limit what I tell her especially when its information very personal to me. What friend A did, resulted in that guy to stop talking to me. I felt very embarrassed, hurt and insecure after all the drama happened. I remember calling literally all of my other friends crying on the phone asking for advice on what I should do because I was simply petrified of the fact I would lose him even as a friend. I still regret confessing how I felt because it was the most scariest thing I have ever done in my life. Also, it made me feel really exposed and insecure.
Even though it may seem like normal friendship drama that everyone goes through, it really took a toll on me. It stressed me out to the point where for a very long time I felt very negative and low about my life. I started to doubt myself. Due to the fact I suffered with mild/severe acne since I was 11 years old, it resulted me in having body image problems. It got so serious to the point when one morning I woke up hyperventilating and feeling very nauseous, because I kept repeating everything that happened in my mind. All the emotions and thoughts kept replaying constantly. I built up the courage to see the uni councillor. Due to the fact I having been secretly feeling very low since end of summer 2016 till December. The drama that happened didn't exactly help me my situation. Worried and unsure whether I may have depression. Even though one of best friends who I told everything to told me it didn't seem like I have depression, for some reason I just constantly felt very low and upset. In front of my friends and family I was easily able to mask my true emotions but at night when I am alone working in my room I was not able to get rid of these negative feelings. After talking to the councillor she just told me I have high levels of stress and anxiety. I regret not taking the recovery sessions simply because I stupidly thought I was fine when I realise now I am not, also I thought other people needed the sessions with the councillor more than I do because they are going through something much worse.
The assessment deadline I had after Christmas really made me come to terms with the fact I am not as healthy as I think I am mentally. The lack of sleep and stress of the assessment got to me so badly to the point I kept breaking into tears for a whole month. I even broke into tears in font of my lecturers during the assessment feedback. It was so embarrassing and the entire year knew about it. I think I was also partly crying because I missed him and regret all the drama that happened between him and I. I still feel sorry for having to getting him involved in something he didn't need to be a part of.
As well as my mental health all of this took a toll of my general health. I started dieting because I gained some weight because of the herbal medicine I was taking for poor blood circulation. I wasn't satisfied with how I looked. I simply thought I was not good enough. All this resulted me in not having enough blood and constantly felt lightheaded and faint.
It wasn't until my birthday, my amazing best friends made me a birthday video with all my friends sending wishing me happy birthday and telling me they love and miss me. As cliche as it sounds for months I felt so unloved, but after watching that video it made me feel so much better about myself. I am eternally grateful to be blessed and surrounded by amazing friends who love me for me.
To be honest up to this day I still have my low days but in comparison to how I felt back in January, I feel a lot more happier. What really annoyed when I was going through the bad stages of all this, was when people said I lived a 'perfect' life, you have no idea the amount of stress and drama I have been through. Even the councillor said to me she would hate to be in my position in all that drama.
I don't know if I will ever post this, simplify because I don't know if I am ready for people to know about something so personal to me nor do I want people to think I am writing this to gain attention because the one thing I hate the most is attention on myself. If this posts does help someone realise how common mental health issues are then its worth it, because it wasn't after I read some of my friends from secondary school's posts it made me realise how common it was. Due to the fact I would have never guessed they would fall into depression because they are some of the most happiest people I know and I went to school with them for 7 years. Even though the subject of depression is brought up, I don't know how to label the technical term of what I am going though because I have not had the courage to have myself examined. At first I thought all these thoughts would fade over time but its been a little over half a year.
Maybe I'm posting this because I want someone to tell me what is going on with myself.
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