So I met someone new Juin Yang. This has really helped me get over Alex Wong. Even when I see the name Alex appear I don't feel the way I did in comparison to a couple of months ago. I still remember the warm feeling I felt talking on the phone to Pris about Juin when I was waiting for my train. His passion and talent really attracted me to him. Honestly, I felt I was finally able to escape this anxiety void I was trapped in for so long. How during watching IT he held my held when I was scared. Came close when we were talking and made me feel secure in his presence.
Last night was our second date. I went over to his place. We watched a movie and chilled. We eventually got closer and closer. I felt really secure when I rested my head on his shoulder. As if the word was mine again. I don't ever want to forget this feeling. Last time I felt this way was last summer with Will. When we cuddled at the back of the coach. He played me my favourite song 'faded' and 'Little happiness' on the piano.
We had a really deep conversation when we were in bed together. To the point we really opened our hearts and he ... said some things I didn't really want to hear. It really shattered my heart and made me feel a bit used. As I was in his embrace and it sounded as if he was using my body. We were close together and he had his eyes closed. I said 'Juin look at me' and kissed him. I really wanted to because thats how I felt about him. Even though I fall for someone quick, thats because I always know what I want and what I don't want, always clear about it regardless.
What he told me about not looking for a relationship and not currently fancying any girls, made me feel really used after what we just did. Despite him saying he didn't want me to feel that way, since I am a girl I do have emotions. At that moment I pushed him away and got dressed to go back to Epsom. I just felt like the world fell apart. I went from feeling like I owned the world back to borderline anxiety.
Im glad after we got dressed we had another chat which brightened the mood, he reassured me that we will be really good friends and that he would always be there for me when I need him. Then hugged me. which made me stop crying. But as I wanted to, on the train home I had tears roll down my face. I really wanted to and needed to cry it out. It wasn't until Adam called me and I couldn't control myself and bawled on the phone. I am forever grateful to have Adam and Saffy in my life as without them I think I would have done something stupid to myself. They really cheered myself up and stopped me falling in a depression hole. Juin kept messaging me asking if I was ok and called me. But I really didn't feel like talking. I wanted him to miss me and want me.
The next morning I replied to his text, we had a chat. It gave me hope which I am happy about but at the same time I don't want false hope. But at least I know for sure Juin will always be there for me when I need him. That reassurance makes me secure and loved again. 'I really appreciate you'. After showing Adam the text, he told me ' give it time'. So from a boy's point of view guess thats what I have to remember.
